What should parents avoid when raising children?
- This is a very big topic, and I, having no experience, can hardly say anything special. There is one general principle that everyone knows: it is impossible to raise a child for someone who has not been brought up himself. Therefore, sometimes you even have to say such not entirely decent words: “You can’t, being a devil, raise an angel.”
And indeed, if in a family everyone lives according to their own desires and tastes, regardless of others; if there are constant quarrels in it, rude cries, dirty words, wild music, disorder everywhere, everything is scattered; if children are not accustomed to work (clean the room, wash dishes, shine shoes, etc.); if all the care of parents about children is only to feed, drink, clothe, arrange for school, institute, and at the same time they do not pay attention to the moral side of their life, to what they are interested in on the Internet, what they watch, read, - then what kind of upbringing can we talk about, what good can be expected from children?
Always and everyone knew that one of the most effective means to spoil, corrupt a child is permissiveness and impunity. The enemies of humanity are well aware of this, therefore, at present, by all means, including legislation, they are introducing the principles of the notorious juvenile justice, the main provision of which is as follows: a child is a god, and parents are slaves who are obliged to fulfill all his desires and whims. This is how children are corrupted, the foundations of the family are being destroyed.
To a large extent, the spiritual and moral inclinations of a child are determined by the spiritual state of his parents. St. Gregory of Nyssa warned that, according to the law of nature, a passionate one is born from a passionate one, a sinner from a sinner. Priest Alexy Burgov even wrote: “Not only facial features and features of physical organization are inherited, but also the mental properties and inclinations of immediate and distant ancestors.” “At the basis of the often repeated saying in the Bible that God punishes the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth kind(Ex. 20, 5; 34, 7; Deut. 5, 9), lies the idea that sin in life is not only individual, but also generic, which is why it manifests itself not only in the ancestor, but also in descending members of the family. In life, examples of pathological heredity are most often encountered: the hereditary transmission of alcoholism and other passions, illnesses and mental disorders, even the passion for crime, is known.
And of course, the example of the life of parents, the nature of communication with each other and behavior with other people always turn out to be the most important in raising children. Even the ancient Greek philosopher Democritus said: "The habits of fathers turn into vices of children."
The vices of the fathers really affect the hereditary properties of the descendants, upsetting their body and soul. This manifests itself in various ways. The impact of drug addicts, alcoholics on the body and mind of their children is obvious to everyone. Just as natural is the impact of criminal acts and dark passions of parents on the spiritual and moral properties of the unborn child, which manifest themselves in the form of a special craving, an inflamed passionate attraction to some kind of sin. From this it is clear how attentive parents must be to their moral life if they want to have happy children.
Alexy Burgov, from vyashch. Orthodox dogmatic doctrine of original sin. Kyiv, 1904. S. 146.
There. S. 43.
Professor of the Moscow Theological Academy A.I. Osipov on the air of the Soyuz TV channel answered questions about raising children
This the topic is very big and I, having no experience, can hardly say anything special. Eat one general principle which is known to all: it is impossible to raise a child for someone who is himself ill-bred. Sometimes I even say such not very correct words: “You can’t, being a devil, raise an angel”. If there is not even elementary discipline in the family, and everyone lives according to their own desires and tastes, regardless of others, if there are constant quarrels, rude cries, dirty words, wild music, everywhere there is complete disorder, everything is scattered, scattered; if children are not taught at all to what they will definitely have to face in life, especially in family life; if all the parents' concern is only to create material comfort for the children, and there is practically no attention to other aspects of the child's life, then what kind of upbringing can we talk about, what good can we expect from him?
There is a well-known psychological law that the best way to spoil, literally corrupt a child is permissiveness, impunity. By the way, the enemies of humanity are well aware of this and therefore forcibly introduce the principles of the notorious juvenile justice, the main principle of which is that the child is a god, and the parents are slaves who are obliged to fulfill all his desires and whims.
Ancient wisdom says: "Habit is second nature". Therefore, it is of the utmost importance to instill good habits in the child from childhood: obedience and respect for parents, diligence, the ability to deal with their desires, bad thoughts, and not just not to commit bad deeds. Very important teach children to be honest and in deeds, and in words, and ... in thoughts, because everything begins with thoughts. The dishonest will suffer a lot in life, for, as St. Barsanuphius the Great said, passions are heavier than sorrows, and St. Isaiah the Hermit warned: “He who neglects trifles, little by little, descends into a disastrous fall”.
Of great and undeniable importance in education is, of course, instilling Orthodox views and skills in a child. The lives of the saints, the lives of people remarkable for their high moral level, good literature in general, starting with beautiful folk tales, church, folk and classical music, and so on, help a lot in this. Child must know the gospel, Christian beginning of life.
However, without reasonable discipline it is impossible to achieve success in raising a child in a family. In particular, there must be a complete ban on hooligan words, corrupting films, pictures, books, magazines, wild music and the like. Very important observe computer interests and games of the child, because computer games, as psychologists say, “open” the soul and can morally, mentally, and even physically, and even more so religiously, completely destroy the child. Serious supervision is necessary outside his circle. The ancients have already said: "Bad associations corrupt good morals". And, of course, always the most important thing in raising children remains example of life and behavior of parents, the nature of their communication with each other, with other people
Question: “Sometimes children are very cruel and ungrateful. Is it worth waiting for gratitude from children?
Alexey Ilyich Osipov, Professor of the Moscow Theological Academy, answers:
- This is not the first time I hear: “We are good, and children are bad. And what should we do with children? Here I am - so good, and my children ... But the apple does not fall far from the apple tree. How was it brought up that they became ungrateful?
What are we doing? Up to a certain age, while still physically coping with the child, he is not brought up, but kept. And then, when they can no longer cope: “What should we do with him?” And where did we look before? What they were doing? Sometimes, parents do not raise children, but insult them. They behave like tyrants, in the full sense of the word! We react to children only when they hurt us. We often live with our children, as with strangers, only under one roof. Are we interested in what they read? Who are they friends with? What do they watch on TV and on the computer?
Education is work, yes - what work! You need to be constantly aware of what the child is doing. In a kind, friendly way, discuss with him: why this is good, and this is bad. And not in the way they often answer him: “I told you!” The main and very important question for the child: why? And if you didn’t answer this “why” - you drove the disease inside, which will subsequently come out in such a fountain that you will not be happy.
Unfortunately, we do not pay attention to the upbringing of children until adolescence, and then we begin to reap the benefits. A woman from Siberia calls me and asks: “What should we do? We have a beautiful boy, we baptized him as a child. We communed him every service. He knew all the services well. And now he is not interested in the temple.” I say: “Excuse me, did he receive communion or did you commune him? Was he baptized or did you baptize him? Do you think he's a piece of wood? What did you do to make him convert to Christianity? Were they forcibly taken to the temple? A child is a living being! A precious and fragile creature with which you need to be very careful and attentive. It is necessary to evoke faith in him, and not to force him!
I really liked how Father John (Krestyankin) once answered a priest who wrote: “I forbid women to put on makeup!” And Father John answered him: “You are doing wrong, my dear. They must come to the point of not wearing makeup. And for that, you have to show why.”
Our whole trouble is that we, parents, consider ourselves good, only for some reason suddenly our children turn out to be bad. And we are completely at a loss: “How is it from me, such a good one, and suddenly such bad children?” We are in awe! It's time for us to think about how to educate ourselves! I can't teach anyone to play the violin if I don't know how to play it myself. I will never be able to bring up a good person if there is nothing good in myself.
Unfortunately, people are constantly asking about this now: “What should we do with children?” And all the time I exclaim: “When will I hear the question: “What should we do with ourselves so that our children become good?”” I don’t hear this question! And the question should be exactly like this!
The problem is that we are not Christians! Our whole Christianity consists in the fact that, perhaps, we wear a cross around our neck, but as soon as it touches life, it turns out that, for example, when we have children, we condemn other people. We just received guests, so everything was fine - only the guests left, and we immediately begin to vilify them! And the child is horrified! Just now, both dad and mom spoke so well with them and - suddenly!
What do we do with children? What do we say to them? How do we condemn? How do we curse? And after that we want children to be good?
When and what must we do to become Christians ourselves? Only then will we be able to raise children in a Christian way.
