– What should parents avoid when raising children?
– This is a very large topic, and I, having no experience, can hardly say anything special. There is one general principle, which everyone knows: it is impossible to raise a child for someone who is not educated himself. Therefore, sometimes you have to utter even such not entirely decent words: “You cannot, being a little devil, raise an angel.”
And indeed, if in a family everyone lives according to their own desires and tastes, regardless of others; if in it constant quarrels, rude screams, dirty words, wild music, chaos everywhere, everything is scattered; if children are not taught to work (clean the room, wash the dishes, shine shoes, etc.); if all the parents care about their children is only to feed, drink, clothe, put them in school, college, and at the same time they do not pay attention to the moral side of their lives, to what they are interested in on the Internet, what they watch, read, – then what kind of upbringing can we talk about, what good can we expect from children?
Everyone always knew that one of the most effective means to spoil or corrupt a child is permissiveness and impunity. The enemies of humanity understand this very well, therefore, at present, by all means, including legislation, they are introducing the principles of the notorious juvenile justice, the main position of which is this: a child is a god, and parents are slaves, obliged to fulfill all his desires and whims. This is how children are corrupted and the foundations of the family are destroyed.
To a huge extent, the spiritual and moral inclinations of a child are determined by the spiritual state of his parents. Saint Gregory of Nyssa warned that according to the law of nature, from a passionate person is born a passionate person, and from a sinner a sinner. Priest Alexy Burgov even wrote this: “Not only facial features and features of physical organization are inherited, but also the mental properties and inclinations of immediate and distant ancestors.” “The basis of the often repeated saying in the Bible that God punishes the sins of the fathers up to the third and fourth kind(Ex. 20, 5; 34, 7; Deut. 5, 9), lies the idea that sin in life is not only individual, but also generic, which is why it manifests itself not only in the ancestor, but also in the descending members of the family. In life, examples of pathological heredity are most often encountered: the hereditary transmission of alcoholism and other passions, diseases and mental disorder, even a passion for crime."
And of course, the example of the parents’ lives, the nature of communication with each other and behavior with other people always turn out to be the most important in raising children. The ancient Greek philosopher Democritus said: “The habits of fathers turn into the vices of children.”
The vices of fathers actually affect the hereditary properties of their descendants, upsetting their body and soul. This manifests itself in various ways. The impact of drug addicts and alcoholics on the body and psyche of their children is obvious to everyone. Equally natural is the impact of criminal acts and dark passions of parents on the spiritual and moral properties of the unborn child, which manifest themselves in the form of a special craving, an inflamed passionate attraction to some kind of sin. From this it is clear how attentive parents should be to their moral life if they want to have happy children.
Alexy Burgov, with vech. Orthodox dogmatic doctrine of original sin. Kyiv, 1904. P. 146.
Right there. P. 43.
Professor of the Moscow Theological Academy A.I. Osipov answered questions about raising children on the Soyuz TV channel
This the topic is very big, and I, having no experience, can hardly say anything special. Eat one general principle, which everyone knows: it is impossible to raise a child for someone who is ill-mannered himself. Sometimes I even say such not very correct words: “You can’t raise an angel by being a little devil.”. If there is not even basic discipline in the family, and everyone lives according to their own desires and tastes, regardless of others, if there are constant quarrels, rude shouts, dirty words, wild music, complete disorder everywhere, everything is scattered, scattered; if children are not taught at all to what they will definitely have to face in life, especially in family life; If all the parents’ concern is only about creating material comfort for their children, and there is practically no attention to other aspects of the child’s life, then what kind of upbringing can we talk about, what good can we expect from it?
There is a well-known psychological law that the best remedy to spoil, literally to corrupt a child is permissiveness, impunity. By the way, the enemies of humanity know this very well and therefore forcibly introduce the principles of the notorious juvenile justice, the main principle of which is that the child is a god, and the parents are slaves, obliged to fulfill all his desires and whims.
Ancient wisdom says: "Habit is second nature". Therefore it is extremely important instill good habits in your child from childhood: obedience and respect for parents, hard work, the ability to fight one’s desires, bad thoughts, and not just not commit bad deeds. Very important teach your child to be honest and in deeds, and in words, and... in thoughts, for everything begins with thoughts. The dishonest will suffer a lot in life, for, as the Monk Barsanuphius the Great said, passions are heavier than sorrows, and St. Isaiah the Hermit warned: “He who neglects trifles little by little descends into a disastrous fall.”.
Of great and undeniable importance in education, of course, is child vaccination Orthodox views and skills. This is greatly helped by the lives of saints, the lives of people remarkable for their high moral level, and good literature in general, starting with the wonderful folk tales, church, folk and classical music, etc. Child must know the Gospel, Christian principles of life.
However, without reasonable discipline It is impossible to achieve success in raising a child in a family. In particular, there should be a complete ban on hooligan words, corrupting films, pictures, books, magazines, wild music and the like. Very important follow computer interests and the games of a child, for computer games, as psychologists put it, “reveal” the soul and can completely destroy a child morally, mentally, and even physically, and even more so religiously. Serious monitoring required outside his social circle. The ancients already said: “Bad communities corrupt good morals”. And, of course, the most important thing in raising children remains example of life and behavior of parents, the nature of their communication with each other, with other people
Question: “Sometimes children are very cruel and ungrateful. Should we expect gratitude from children?”
Professor of the Moscow Theological Academy Alexey Ilyich Osipov answers:
– This is not the first time I’ve heard: “We are good, but children are bad. So what should we do with the children?” Here I am - so good, and my children... But the apple does not fall far from the tree. How were they brought up in such a way that they became ungrateful?
What are we doing? Until a certain age, while they can still physically cope with the child, they do not raise him, but hold him. And then, when they can no longer cope: “What should we do with him?” Where did we look before this? What they were doing? Sometimes, parents do not raise their children, but abuse them. They behave like tyrants, in the full sense of the word! We react to children only when they hurt us. We often live with our children as if they were strangers, only under one roof. We are interested in what they are reading? Who are they friends with? What do they watch on TV and on the computer?
Education is work, yes - what work! You need to constantly be aware of what the child is doing. In a kind, friendly way, reason with him: why this is good and why this is bad. And not the way they often answer him: “I told you so!” The main and very important question for a child is: why? And if you haven’t answered this “why”, you have driven the disease inside, which will subsequently come out in such a fountain that you will not be happy.
Unfortunately, we do not pay attention to raising children until adolescence, and then we begin to reap the benefits. One woman from Siberia calls me and asks: “What should we do? We have a wonderful boy, we baptized him as a child. We gave him communion every service. He knew all the services well. And now he’s not interested in the temple.” I say: “Excuse me, did he take communion or did you give him communion? Was he baptized or did you baptize him? Do you consider him a piece of wood? What did you do to get him to accept Christianity? Were you taken to the temple by force?” A child is a living being! A precious and fragile creature with whom you need to be very careful and attentive. We need to induce faith in him, and not force him!
I really liked how Father John (Krestyankin) once answered a priest who wrote: “I forbid women to wear makeup!” And Father John answered him: “You are doing the wrong thing, my dear. They themselves must come to the point of not wearing makeup. And for this you must show why.”
Our whole problem is that we, parents, consider ourselves good, but for some reason our children suddenly turn out to be bad. And we are completely bewildered: “How can this come from me, so good, and suddenly - such bad children? We are in awe! It's time for us to think about how to educate ourselves! I can't teach anyone to play the violin if I don't know how to play it myself. I will never be able to raise a kind person if there is nothing good in me.
Unfortunately, people are constantly asking about this now: “What should we do with the children?” And I keep exclaiming: “When will I hear the question: “What should we do with ourselves so that our children become good?”” I don’t hear this question! And the formulation of the question should be exactly like this!
The trouble is that we are not Christians! Our whole Christianity consists in the fact that, perhaps, we wear a cross around our necks, but as soon as it touches life, it turns out that, for example, in front of children, we condemn other people. We had just received guests, everything was so good - as soon as the guests left, we immediately began to vilify them! And the child is terrified! Just now both dad and mom were talking so well to them and - suddenly!
What do we do in front of children? What do we say in front of them? How do we judge? How do we swear? And after that we want children to be good?
When and what should we do to become Christians ourselves? Only then will we be able to raise our children in a Christian way.
