Almost every parent faces the problem of repeatedly repeating their requests to their child. “Go eat,” and the child continues to play enthusiastically.
“Don’t you hear, I’ve already told you 100 times,” she laments, losing her composure.
So why doesn’t the child “hear”, or rather even “listen” to you?! What is the cause of the problem and how to solve it, let's figure it out.
Imagine that you are cleaning your apartment, and suddenly a growl is heard outside the window. You stop cleaning, go to the window, and study the source of the sound. Seeing that the workers are trimming the trees, you return to your household chores. The sound outside the window no longer distracts your attention; you realized that for some time it will disturb the silence, and soon you will not notice it.
Now let's return to the child. How often do we say something to him, but our words do not carry tangible consequences? If this happens often in your home, then the child begins to treat your words the way you treat the trees being pruned outside the window. Such a model is being laid, unfortunately, very early! And when we already want the child to fulfill our requests, it manages to become firmly entrenched in his perception. Then we naturally begin to first become irritated, then angry, then shake the air with reproaches, but again, behind all this “noise” the child does not understand the essence of the situation! When and how do we make mistakes? While the child is very small, just starting to walk, we tell him, for example, “Give mom a toy!”, but his attention has already flown to a flock of cheerful sparrows, and mom takes the toy herself. What was worth doing? Yes, just draw attention to the toy again! Even if you took it, then by giving it into the children’s hands of someone interested in this whole situation, you are already making your words meaningful, associated with the action, and not abstract “white noise” in the background.
If such a model has already formed in your child, do not despair. The problem can be solved, although not immediately. Initially, your attempt to give weight and meaning to words through action will cause a childish protest. The child hopes to leave everything as it is and will look for a loophole. But, if you can be consistent in your steps, everything will work out!
Here are a few rules you can follow to correct the situation:
Rule 1. “Eye contact”
In young children, the brain can concentrate on solving only one problem. If your baby is engrossed in a game and you call him for dinner, don’t be annoyed that she can’t hear you, he’s not capable of it. Before voicing your request, it is IMPORTANT to establish eye contact with the child and turn his attention to you. Your eyes should be at the child’s eye level; it’s even better to take his hand. Address him by name: “Sasha, look at me,” “Lena, listen to what I say,” etc. It is useful to ask a child over 3.5 years old to repeat what he heard. The tasks you assign to yourself are much more enjoyable to complete.
Rule 2. “One task”
Children cannot always track the sequence of parental requests. “Take a glass, put it in the sink, and then wipe the table or undress, wash your hands and go eat.” Children cannot remember the entire algorithm of actions and get stuck at some stage. Smash complex tasks to simple ones. Voice one task to your child: “Take the glass away,” and if it is completed, move on to the next request.
Rule 3. “Speak in understandable language”
Until the age of 7, children do not possess abstract thinking. And if in their dialogues parents use phrases like: “How long will it take you to count crows?” Small child does not understand that in this phrase his mother encourages him to action. Speak in a language that is understandable and native to the child, so that he can understand you.
Rule 4. “Here and now”
“Sasha, how many times can I tell you, don’t go near your older brother, don’t take his construction set! You’ve already forgotten how he bloodied your nose, do you want to get it from him again?.. etc.”
It is clear that the parent is, as they say, “boiled” and wants to somehow stop the child’s dangerous behavior. But listening to a long notation, the baby only gets confused in the words and forgets what they are actually talking about. You should not remind your child of “past” sins. There is no need to be frightened by future troubles. So, by the way, you form catastrophic thinking in a little person. Children live “here and now,” so trying to influence him with long explanations is pointless. It is best to say briefly at such a moment: “You cannot destroy your brother’s buildings.” After this, switch the baby’s attention, play hide and seek with him, catch up, and invite him to compete to see who can better jump over the pieces of paper laid out on the carpet. In a word, find a safer outlet for the energy that overwhelms the baby. And the most important rule is that if you cannot change the child’s behavior, change the circumstances that provoke dangerous behavior. For example, allocate a special space for your older child to play, where no one will disturb him.
Rule 5. “Be consistent”
Do not yell at children, except for fear, anxiety, bad mood, you don’t cause him any anger or resentment. He is accustomed to your requests as to the sound background outside the window. And after your own emotional outbursts, most likely, you will only be overcome by guilt and shame for your “immature” behavior.
The best way to keep your emotions under control is to be consistent. If a child understands that there is no way to beg sitting in front of the TV for an hour, he will stop ignoring the request to turn off the cartoons.
Rule 6. “Warn in advance”
Children perceive what is said not as quickly as adults, but with a delay of several seconds. Including because voluntary attention (that is, the ability, through an effort of will, to be distracted from what is interesting in favor of what is necessary) is fully formed in a child only by the age of 6-7. This means that a child under six cannot quickly switch from what is interesting to him (for example, moving stools across the floor) to what is “interesting” to you (getting dressed and going to the clinic). Give your baby a “temporary” supply. Agree with him how many times he can slide down the slide before going home, then your request will probably be heard. Option: if your son “doesn’t hear” that it’s time to leave the cars and go to lunch, invite the cars to compete - who can get to the kitchen faster, etc.
Rule 7. “Remind in advance”
Children have a very developed visual memory therefore, to master regime moments Reminder pictures work very effectively. For example, at one and a half to two years of age, a baby is already able to learn that he needs to wash his hands in three cases: before eating, after going to the potty, and after a walk. Hang bright pictures in the bathroom and hallway dedicated to these three situations. The child will readily mark each hand washing with a bright circle or cross.”
Rule 8. “Induce the desired action”
Our brain is structured in a very interesting way; it grasps what it hears and immediately prompts this action, while the particle “not” is inaudible for a child. “Don’t walk in the puddle!” sounds like a tempting offer to try its depth. Offer an interesting alternative. For example: “Let's try to get around the puddle along this narrow curb.”
Rule 9. “Don’t pull back”
How many times have I heard how restless mothers correct their child every now and then. “Stop, there’s a dog”, “Don’t fall”, “Don’t get dirty” - and so on all day long. At some point, the child, tired of the pressure, begins to perceive his mother’s speech simply as a “background.” Try to count how many times during a walk you make comments to your child. Which of these comments could very well not be made? Don’t pull him down for any reason, but try to be there when the baby is active. Climb the hill with him, go for company and see what lies in the bushes, look at the dog together. The baby will definitely “copy” your safe behavior.
So: no need for negativity! Switch, interest, motivate the child, but! AND REMEMBER, WORDS MUST BE SUPPORTED BY ACTION! It is then that they acquire meaning and significance.
As a rule, conversations between parents and a child psychologist often begin with complaints: “I talk and talk, but it’s all to no avail,” “Talking to him is like talking to a wall,” “All he understands is screaming!” What is the reason that children cannot hear adults? The fact is that in order to be heard, parents need to understand the laws by which a little person lives and develops.
Eye contact
If your child is already passionate about something, it is useless to try to switch his attention simply with your voice. The child is designed in such a way that he perceives only one information flow at one time. If he is leading a caravan of their toy horses across the floor, and at that moment his mother’s voice comes from somewhere above, demanding to go to bed, know that he simply does not hear you. Or rather, he hears, but does not perceive the information: before his eyes is his caravan, and for him a sound that has nothing to do with it is simply a meaningless nuisance. In order for your request to “reach” the child, you first need to “turn him off” from the game process and pay attention to yourself. How? It’s very simple: at a minimum, get yourself in the field of view. Sit down, touch your hand, look into your eyes. See the understanding that your presence is noticed. Repeat your request. Ask them to say in response what exactly you are asking them to do: such repetition reinforces the task and motivates them to complete it.
Difficult tasks
If you give it to a child long recommendation like “come quickly into the house, take off your boots, unbutton your jacket, wash your hands, leave your hat in the corridor and go to the nursery” - rest assured, your child will not move further than this very corridor. What's going on? Ordinary information overflow. A child aged three or four years “freezes” like an operating system, unable to process more than one task at a time. Therefore, if you want to be understood, simply give requests and instructions step by step. "Take off your boots." Stripped off? “Unbutton your jacket.” And so on. You will see that there is no reason to call your child naughty. You just don’t need to set extensive tasks for him right away.
"Philosophical" remarks
“Do you want to make your stomach hurt?” “When will you stop sneaking raw dough from under grandma’s hands?” Without a doubt, such a remark sounds elegant from an adult’s point of view. But, from the point of view of a five-year-old toddler, it doesn’t sound at all. The child simply does not understand the connection between what he is doing and your questions. He will honestly try to answer your question, but will not make the connection between it and your request to stop doing what he is doing. Give your child more specific instructions if you want him to follow them.
A lot of unnecessary words
Often, an infuriated parent turns to the child with a peculiar speech, in which, according to all the laws of rhetoric, the child’s “past sins” are first recalled, then the inadmissibility of what he is doing now is pointed out, and, finally, the prospects for his future life are drawn, if he does not heed parental advice. “My dear, two months ago you were somehow carried up this hill in the rain! You slid straight into a puddle, got your feet wet, and then we treated your runny nose for two weeks! Now you’re climbing the same hill again, and there’s a puddle—here it is! Do you want to sniffle again for two weeks?!” If you give your child such a tirade, rest assured: he will not understand you. Moreover, it will “switch off” from the flow of information already on the third phrase. A child does not perceive “yesterday” and “tomorrow” the way adults perceive them. A child is the quintessence of the concept of “here and now.” If you want to be understood, just turn your attention to yourself and say: “If you drive into a puddle, your feet will be wet, and we’ll go home right away.”
Shout
Remember, have you ever found yourself in a situation where your boss yells at you at work? Surely it happened. Now try to remember how you felt at that moment? Have you felt stupor or lack of understanding of what is required of you? Most likely they did. Then why do you think that your child will react to your cry in any other way? It is clear that parents raise their voices only when they are completely irritated... but here you have to choose, “checkers or go”: do you want to disrupt emotions, or achieve results. Any normal person, both adult and small, understands better when someone talks to him in a normal tone, rather than shouting.
“I say - and everything must be done instantly”
But this is unrealistic. Your child, a smart, normally developed, intelligent child, cannot instantly switch to your demand and fulfill it. Modern psychological research show that the child needs a certain time interval in order to realize what is required of him and to bring his behavior into line with these requirements. Therefore, if you plan to leave the house at a certain time with your child, include ten minutes in your plan to switch his attention to the need to complete a new task. It’s much easier to switch your baby’s attention if you do it in the form of a game: let’s compete to see which of us puts on a coat and hat first, and let your car be the judge!
"Old Record"
If you constantly repeat the same instructions to your child, you risk getting the situation “if mom didn’t tell you today, then it’s not necessary to brush your teeth today.” Try not to fall into such a situation and create the prerequisites for a child by the age of six to learn to act without your mandatory instructions.
The powerless particle "not"
It has long been proven that phrases starting with “not” have a very poor level of perception on the part of not only children, but also adults. “Don't go” sounds much weaker than “Stop.” The child’s consciousness simply ignores “no” and perceives the parent’s cry as an invitation to continue what he is doing. Try to formulate your wishes for your child without this harmful particle.
Don't scold your child
You can often hear on the street how young parents constantly warn and rebuke their offspring. “Don’t run, you’ll sweat!” “Wait, there are stairs!” “Don’t swing too hard on the swing!” Remember: if your child hears only such jerks all day long, very soon he will stop noticing them altogether.
Communication is a mutual thing
If you want your baby to hear what you say, try to always listen to what he says. No child will listen to his father’s words if, in response to his story about the matinee held in kindergarten, he hears from his father only the laconic “I’m busy, you’ll tell me later!” Remember that by communicating with you, the child learns how to perceive the words of his interlocutor.
Become a teacher!
A good way to teach your child something is to involve him in a game, during which he himself will teach. For example, your own toys. Let him explain to his plush puppy how important it is to brush his teeth in the morning, let him check how the toy “fulfills” his requirement. This method very quickly reinforces useful skills in the baby himself.
– Very often in my work child psychologist I come across complaints from parents about the difficulties of parenting, in particular the following: why do you need to repeat the same request ten times? Why does the child hear and fulfill my demand only when I have already started screaming? Why are some of my requests ignored altogether, as if I didn’t ask for anything? - says Vittoria.
All such questions relate to one phenomenon called “selective deafness.” Of course, we are not talking about physical hearing impairment in a child, because pleasant requests, sweet words The child hears interesting conversations between adults and reacts correctly to them. However, there is still a violation, but it lies in a completely different area - the area of communications. It turns out that it is not always easy to convey your request to the child so that he hears it and immediately begins to fulfill it.
Causes
One of the reasons why your child ignores your requests is that he age and features nervous system . Watch a child who is busy doing something extremely interesting to him. At this moment, nothing really exists for him. And if at this moment a request is voiced, what are the parents’ chances of being heard? They are practically equal to zero. In addition, a child is simply not able to quickly switch from one type of activity to another, like an adult, so the instruction to finish playing on the tablet and go wash your hands before lunch will most likely remain unanswered.
The mother of four-year-old Ira complains that the girl never hears her requests the first time. At the reception, it turns out that the problem mainly concerns situations when Irochka sits in front of the TV or plays on a tablet. We are setting up an experiment right in my office - a mother plays a cartoon for her child. Irishka is completely immersed in watching. After a short time, it becomes clear from her detached appearance that the action on the screen has completely absorbed the child. We agree with mom that next time before the start of watching Ira will be told to what point she can watch the cartoon, and also mom should tell her what they will do after the viewing is finished - go to the table, get ready to go outside and etc. The effect of such simple actions turned out to be very effective.
Life story
Simple rules
Rules will help you communicate more easily to your child. preschool age your wishes. If your child is busy doing something exciting and you need him to finish his task and fulfill your request, do not shout from another room in the hope that you will be heard. First, reach the baby. Look what fascinated him so much. If you have time, ask him a couple of questions related to his occupation. Your attention will set the child in a positive mood.
After that, construct your sentence as follows: “I see that you are very passionate about building a garage. You have already built two floors, and there is still so much work ahead - you need to build a ramp for cars to enter, organize a car wash and gas station here! You came up with everything so great! Let's not dismantle this building, it's very cool. But now it's lunch time and it's time to finish the game. Do you need a couple more minutes to complete the third floor, or can you stop now to go wash your hands?”
In this way, the adult shows the child that his game is an important and interesting matter. It gives you the opportunity to finish it, rather than abandon it right there, and warns you about further events in advance. All these actions increase the chances of obedience many times over!
Of course, we do not always have enough time to have long conversations with the child before voicing our request. Adopt the following method: hug the child by the shoulders or touch the hand, look him in the eyes, call him by name and begin your request with the words: “Masha, now it is very important that you listen to me. We are late for the clinic, so right now we need to put down the toys (you can finish playing this game in the evening) and put on a dress and socks. They are already waiting for you on the sofa.”
It is very important to praise the child if he immediately obeyed. And it’s best to say: “It’s great that I have such an attentive girl growing up!” I didn’t need to repeat my request ten times: I only asked once, and you heard right away. What a great guy you are! Now we’ll probably have time to see the doctor, and on the way I’ll tell you an interesting story.”
If "deafness" accompanies disobedience
A nanny comes to me for developmental classes for children with two-year-old Danya. This is a very smart boy, accustomed to always getting what he wants from adults. When one of the tasks does not seem very interesting to him, he begins to run around the common table and knock over children's chairs. The nanny rushes after him, shouting: “Danya, stop it! Danya, you can’t do that!”, while being touched by his childish spontaneity and smiling. This continues until all the chairs lie down with their legs up or until the nanny finally catches up with Danya. At the same time, the baby perceives this situation as fun game and is not even going to listen.
Life story
After observing this behavior for several sessions, I agreed with the nanny that from now on she would no longer chase the boy (thus, we eliminate the element of play and fun). Instead, she will tell Dana that he will have to pick up every chair he drops (so the child will face the consequences of his own actions).
The first time Danya sincerely did not understand why no one was paying attention to him and only laid three out of six chairs on the floor. And at first I really didn’t want to put them in their place. However, the nanny was persistent with my help. By the way, it took Dana two more lessons to completely overcome the habit of knocking over chairs. And the nanny bought important experience: In order for a child to hear a request, it is important to take it seriously yourself, and also always confront the child with the consequences of his own disobedience. This method is always more effective than moralizing.
Reminders that don't work
What about requests that relate to daily household activities, such as washing hands after a walk, brushing teeth before bed, putting away toys? Sometimes parents make truly titanic efforts to teach their children to do this without reminders, and here selective deafness can be found more often than usual.
In order not to repeat everyday requests every day, keep cards with pictures that will depict the necessary actions. So, in the corridor you can hang a card with exactly standing shoes, neatly hanging clothes and a picture of a child, washing hands. In the playroom - a card with toys placed in places, etc. Such images help preschoolers not to forget house rules. And instead of “How many times have I said that you need to wash your hands after a walk!” You can get by with just a pointing gesture towards the hanging pictures.
Reasonable requests
How often do you use such general instructions as: “Get out of here!”, “Stop it!”, “Behave yourself!” or just a shout out by name? Such formulations sound very vague and vague - the child cannot always understand exactly what you want from him at the moment. Therefore, it is easiest for him to simply ignore them, turning on “selective deafness,” rather than trying to follow an unclear instruction.
Specific, simple instructions help the child to concentrate more easily and understand exactly what is expected of him. Instead of “Get out of here!” say: “Put these cars in a box and put the books on the shelf.” Instead of “Behave yourself!” say, “Please speak in a normal voice and lower your voice.” Replace the shout by name with the phrase: “I want you to come and take my hand.”
Another way to combat hearing loss is to warn about the consequences. For example: “Now I want to run a dishwasher. Anyone who doesn’t bring me his dishes will wash them by hand.” Or: “Time to put away the toys. And whoever doesn’t hear that it’s time to clean will sit without toys in the evening. Because we have a rule: whoever doesn’t put away his toys doesn’t play with them anymore.” Such formulations prevent you from having to repeat the same request a hundred times.
So that your preschooler can control the time when he stops playing, watching cartoons, or any other interesting activity, give him hourglass– they clearly show the passage of time. Having this useful device in front of his eyes, the child will no longer be able to “forget” that the play time is coming to an end and will soon need to do something else at your request.
I found this text on the Internet and simply cannot help but post it on our website. Children often don't hear what we adults tell them, and this problem is quite popular. The author of the text is not just a mother, but also a teacher, psychologist and art therapist in one person - Anna Bykova. So:
The question is not easy. Even adults sometimes don’t hear it the first time. After all, you can often hear similar complaints about husbands and employees: “I talk and talk, but it’s like hitting the wall. How else can you tell a person?” But maybe these adults grew up from children who were not taught to hear the first time? It’s still worth trying to teach this to a child.
The algorithm is as follows:
1. First of all, make sure you are being listened to carefully.
It happens that a child is engrossed in play or creativity and really does not hear. By the way, when I write a text or develop a training program, I am so concentrated on the process that I am completely disconnected from the surrounding reality. For me to hear something at this moment, I need to either call very, very loudly, or touch. The second option is more pleasant. I don't like loud sounds. Therefore, in a similar situation, I also approach, put my hand on the shoulder, attracting attention to myself, I can even turn it a little towards myself. And only when I’m convinced that I’m the center of attention do I begin to speak.
Have you ever talked to a small child who really wants to tell you something important? Who is already choking on words in order to have time to tell you everything that is rushing out. In this case, the child usually even fixes the adult’s head with both hands in order to maintain attention. Yes, yes, he wraps his chubby palms around him so that an adult cannot turn away. Otherwise he will suddenly turn away and not hear the important importance. I remember a funny incident when dad said to two-year-old Arseny: “I am listening to you carefully. Just please let go of my ears.".
Holding a child by the ears is completely unnecessary. But you can hold him by the shoulders. In principle, it is enough to make eye contact with your eyes. If I am 100% seen, then the likelihood that I will be heard increases significantly. When you say something face to face, it is very difficult to let it pass by. I have watched many times how children junior group kindergarten When they want to say something to a playmate, they use their hands to turn him towards them. They sincerely want to be heard.
It is also very important to address people by name. Or even just contact. What is said without reference is most often a reference to nowhere and there is no effect from it. From the experience of teaching, I can say that “Putting away the toys” flies past much more often than “Guys, look up at me!” It's time for lunch. We’re all starting to put away the toys.”
2. Make sure your child actually heard you.
Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Visually, the person seemed to be listening, looking into the eyes, and maybe even nodding or “hooking,” but his thoughts were somewhere very far away. It's better to ask again just in case. Something like this: “Did you hear me? What did I ask for now? Katya, what are we going to do now? And if the answer coincides with what you said before, congratulations, you have been heard. It’s only at first that it seems like there are too many “curtsies.” Then it becomes a habit and is perceived normally by everyone.
- Arseny, finish the game, dinner in 5 minutes.
- Yes...
- What does “uh-huh” mean?
- I understand, dinner is in five minutes.
As they say, listen and don’t say you haven’t heard.
Have you ever felt like when you make a request to a child, you are talking to the wall? For me - a million times.
Typical situation. Dinner time.
- Max, go eat. Cutlets with pasta on the table.
Max is sitting two steps away from me in the living room, playing with dinosaurs. One jumps on the other, who shied away to the side - terribly interesting. I repeat. With pressure.
- Max, it's time to eat. Sit down at the table.
No reaction. I say it again. Doesn't work.
I really want to scream: “What’s wrong with you, little tree-stick? Am I talking to the wall?
Sometimes you can't hold back. I regret this terribly. Because yelling at a child is not right. From all points of view.
Firstly, according to psychological research, children whose parents show verbal aggression towards them have lower self-esteem and are more prone to depression.
And, secondly, by raising our voice at a child, we teach him to ignore us. Strange as it may seem. We repeat the same thing several times. And then we either give up and do what is necessary ourselves (the child understands that it was not necessary to listen to us), or we start yelling (the child understands that you only need to move when they are yelling at you, you can wait until then).
What to do? I combed through Child Development materials and found several really good advice. Not even advice, but an algorithm of actions.
1. Make sure your child really hears you. There is no need to give guidelines from across the room.
If the child is under 6 years old, then you should sit down next to him, look into his eyes and say what you were going to tell him. You can easily touch his hand or hug him.
With older children, you should at least make eye contact. That is, we first make sure that the child has paid attention to us and only then turn to him with a request or instruction.
2. It is important to understand that the child may not be ignoring you on purpose. Children under 14 years of age often do not notice what is happening around them.
According to scientific data, if children are passionate about something (playing, reading or just daydreaming), they do not pay attention to what is happening around them. They lack what is called peripheral attention.
That is, a parent can be next to the child and say something to him, but the child ignores the parent. Not on purpose. That's how it works. That is why, before asking a child for something, you need to make sure that he hears you (see point 1).
3. On the other hand, the child may ignore you quite deliberately. It happens that children test their parents’ strength, what they can afford and what they cannot.
This is extreme for a child important information and such tests are a completely normal stage of development.
4. After making sure that the child can hear you, tell him what you planned. And wait. See what happens.
If the child did what you asked, great. If not... Read on :)
5. Repeat the request again and explain it. Tell your child the reason why he should do it.
Understanding that your words are not arbitrary, that you have serious reasons, motivates the child to “be obedient.” This doesn't always work. But the likelihood that the child will do what you ask is much higher if he understands the meaning of the request, its reason.
Example: “Please put on your jacket now. We must leave the house in a minute, otherwise we will be late to visit Peter. And that wouldn’t be too polite, would it?”
6. Let your child experience the consequences of his behavior. Didn't put your clothes in the dirty laundry basket? – my favorite T-shirt remained unwashed. Did you dig around getting ready for taekwondo? – I was late and the instructor made me do 15 extra push-ups.
This method works great. True, some consequences can be dangerous to the life and health of the child (and we, of course, will not allow them), while others have to wait too long for the onset. What then?
7. Calmly tell your child what awaits him if he does not comply with your request.
“We’re leaving for the park in 5 minutes. If you're not ready on time, we won't be able to play the game you love so much tonight. We waste time that we could use playing, cajoling and arguing.”
The child has a choice. Either he obeys the rules or he breaks them. In the latter case, he must understand that he will have to bear the consequences. Didn’t do what was asked (event 1), then event 2 will inevitably occur (usually unpleasant for the child).
8. Last and perhaps most important rule. Be consistent. If you promised your child that if your request is not fulfilled, this and that will happen, then keep your word. Otherwise, next time they simply won’t believe you. And again they won’t hear.
