Perhaps I will not communicate with you in this article, in the first person with an individual address to you, just as I started it, this might be worth doing, but still I will write it in my usual style, somewhat generalizing us all.
It’s somehow easier to perceive information that doesn’t apply to you, it seems to be about other people who are always doing something wrong, doubting, making mistakes, being afraid, and generally not behaving as we understand them to. lead.
And yet, I will address you, both together and to each individual, just don’t project all the attention specifically on yourself, otherwise it will prevent you from accepting some of my theses, and therefore the article as a whole will be for you are useless.
When it comes to family, this issue arises especially acutely, because family is a responsibility, and many are afraid of this word alone like fire. I don’t really like to talk a lot about myself, this is very important to maintain the distance necessary for your correct perception of my articles, but in this case it is worth giving an example from my own life so that my article is not empty for you.
I have a wonderful family, simply wonderful, although there have been and sometimes still are quarrels, my family unit is still quite strong, and therefore I will tell you not only from the position of a psychologist about the family, but also from the position of a family man.
There are quite a lot of opinions about the family as a part of the social structure, although which part is the basis of our society. For some it is sacred, while others consider it an unnecessary form of human existence.
For example, Osho called the family one of the forms of prostitution, or rather, he called it marriage, but in essence the family itself, because one thing leads to another.
Of course, one can understand the philosopher I respect, whose books I once read with pleasure, in a slightly different way, saying that he meant life without obligations, without the prohibitions and restrictions that take place in marriage.
Actually, he emphasized this in his books, but let’s think about the root of this statement: that marriage, and with it the family, has an incorrect structure in our society; isn’t there a call for an irresponsible life behind this?
If you are wondering about the advisability of starting a family, for you personally, I am interested in only one thing - in what environment you grew up. We will not list with you the numerous experiments of psychologists, we will not go through various aspects of family life, without which a person is not capable of being fully functioning mentally, you will read all this without me in other articles, books, watch in films about the family.
I invite you to look at this issue from a fundamental point of view, fundamental to human happiness. Does family give a person happiness?
Probably you are more interested in this question, because you can put a cross on your shoulders only if there is a special meaning in it, then the burden will not be heavy. The question of happiness, unfortunately, is not unambiguous in its assessment, because if you associate it with the external form of existence, then you will never come to harmony, because in the external world everything is too individual, and built on human egoism, so where is the good for one, pain and suffering for another.
But still, some things can be done by talking about the right choice. Namely, you can simply weigh life without a family and life with a family. Imagine one and the other life, and think about which one is more interesting and enjoyable. When doubts arise in my head about something, this method of comparing one with another, as a rule, helps me make the most correct choice.
True, for this you need to have a good imagination. The saying speaks of a choice between two evils, when of course it is reasonable to choose the lesser, but I would not specify the form of this choice in such a way, because this already identifies it as such. There are no evils, there are two options, one of which will give you much more benefits than the other, and you just need to clearly understand what kind of life awaits you if you start a family or if you don’t.
There is another option for your choice, typical of the nature of a person who loves to chase two birds with one stone - this is to start a family, but also continue to live an irresponsible, non-committal life.
According to my personal observations, many people use this choice, but it does not lead them to anything good, because both directions suffer, they don’t get enough, so to speak, and in the end it turns out that the family is God knows what, and a person’s personal life looks like the life of garbage. And this is not my point of view, this is the state of the inner world of those people who make such a choice, not daring to be either an irresponsible loner or a normal family man.
What to do, you ask, you have already read so much, but I still don’t tell you what is the best thing to do, your doubts do not leave you as you read these lines. But I won’t tell you anything, this contradicts my policy not only from a professional point of view, but also as a person, and especially as a person teaching you mindfulness. Do you know why I shouldn't do this?
The fact is that you yourself must understand what is best and right for you, my task is only one thing - to make you think, and, if possible, realize your desire.
You don’t know what you want, that’s the whole problem, you want what a box with an antenna, glamorous magazines, various articles, opinions of other people and generally any information from the outside will impose on you.
The collective system of values puts pressure on you, and now it is all distorted beyond recognition, who doesn’t undertake to teach you how to live better and more correctly, and what about you, don’t you have your own understanding on this matter? Of course you have it, but it is buried so far under all the above-mentioned garbage that you do not even try to find your own point of view, which cannot be your own until you analyze your whole self and come to the conclusion that what is best for you.
Understand, there is no other model like you, all destinies are different, therefore, there cannot be the right choice for everyone, it is always individual. In general form, your choice can only be similar to the choice of the majority; there is no need to go to the senile extreme and abstract from the so-called herd instincts.
This behavior is typical of people who simply do not think, the concept of thinking is alien to them, they do not choose in the full sense of the word, they choose from what has already been offered to them. You are an intelligent person by nature and your awareness can be fully used by you, so I won’t kill it in you, enough advice and recommendations, finally start thinking with your own head.
And so, what do you have, on one side you have family life with all the ensuing consequences, and on the other, life without a family, life, as many people like to say, is more free. What is weighing on these scales? Just don’t rush to answer this question, I beg you, don’t do it. There is no need to react to it, think about it, think carefully.
Let me give you some food for thought in the form of some statements about life on both sides of this choice. You will deprive yourself of pleasures, what do you think, if you become a family man, will you give up a lot, will you lose a lot?
And I’m not just talking about a family, but about a normal, full-fledged family, even without a child, perhaps, at least at first, but with all obligations on your part with full responsibility? I know that many of you will answer - yes, we will lose a lot and we won’t be able to do a lot in this case, we will limit ourselves in our desires. Are these desires really yours?
This is what you really need to understand, because from imposed desires, a person then experiences a strong feeling of dissatisfaction, when the true value system begins to slowly emerge, a person begins to feel dissatisfied with himself and his life.
However, I do not presume to assert that in our centuries-old social understanding, at least some good is original; any choice is influenced by a certain background from the outside. A person can be taught to live by rules that are absolutely unacceptable to him, by rules that absolutely do not meet his interests and are contrary to his nature.
The example of the same sects is a clear confirmation of this. However, if no one and nothing distorts people’s perception of reality, then they strive to create family relations, they have children, raise them, and enjoy it. The family does not limit a person, as some people believe; on the contrary, it complements his life.
Family, my friends, is a kind of base on which a person can always rely, including in difficult times, so as not to lose heart and give up when life throws him new challenges. And she always gives them up. If you strive for that irresponsible lifestyle that seems more free and attractive, then you may get more sensations that will give you some pleasure, but at the same time you will develop an inner emptiness due to a subconscious feeling of the meaninglessness of life.
After all, man is structured in such a way that his task, according to nature’s plan, also includes the continuation of his kind, and with a certain understanding of this task, man strives to do this in the most worthy way, in order not just to make children, but to make worthy people out of them, so that they were individuals worthy of respect.
So this frivolous, cheeky way of life, imposed, as I believe, on people, suitable for an irresponsible person not burdened with obligations, although sometimes it looks quite attractive, but this is probably the way it really is, because that choice, in in which we need to make less effort and in which we need to demand less from ourselves, always attracts our attention, however, it does not meet our interests.
Many people want an easy and carefree life, in which there is a lot of pleasure and little suffering, but such a life greatly limits our lives, and in the pursuit of it people lose a lot.
Everything ingenious is simple with us, but are the people of genius themselves so simple, is their life so simple? Isn’t a person born for the effort that he needs to make for everything, even just to breathe air, isn’t that why we experience suffering and pain in order to live?
The question seems philosophical, but we see the answer to it every day, difficulties, this is what makes us alive, this is what underlies life itself, the basis of good and the basis of happiness, and pleasure corrupts a person, it kills, pleasure based on the absence of effort - this is what is the enemy of man, leading to his destruction, both spiritually and physical sense this word.
But there is no need to smear all the pleasure with this conclusion, because there is pleasure from life, from efforts and the result of this effort, pleasure from striving, dreaming and turning dreams into reality, pleasure from creation, pleasure from the meaning that should be in everything you do . This is pleasure, this is real happiness, proven repeatedly by numerous examples from the lives of people, and from the lives of each of you too, this is what each of us truly deserves.
But this is a matter of your choice, not mine, not anyone else, throw all authorities and points of view out of your head, you decide what your life will be like, whether it will be the life of a family man or a person without a family, there are no more definitions here Maybe. Your choice has no evaluation, it is yours entirely and completely, which means that it is correct, correct according to the form of thinking that now prevails in your head.
But this form itself may be erroneous in terms of foreign bodies in your head, these are not physical bodies, these are thoughts, alien thoughts, images, life scenarios, that’s what these bodies are without a physical shell, they can confuse you . I made my choice, you know about it, it is my choice, I am happy with it, it completely satisfies me and no matter what happens in the future, I will not regret the past and present.
Your choice should be similar, it should not because I said so or it is written somewhere, or is a pseudo truth, your choice is your duty to yourself. It, your choice, should not torment you, should not give rise to doubts in you about its correctness, should not torment and remind you of itself.
And it will be such only on the condition that this is really your choice, which you made meaningfully, and therefore do not look for any more answers to the question of whether you need a family or not, other people’s opinions on this matter will suffice. You don’t even need to analyze this article, you just need to free your mind from other people’s points of view and other people’s conclusions, you need to pay attention to yourself and define yourself as a person with a set of qualities inherent to you.
Many people want happiness, not always understanding what it means for them, but they still want it. But those of them who asked me a question about how to become one happy people, I asked a counter question, and it was not a question about their understanding of happiness, no, it was after that I could ask it or not ask it at all.
My question was different - how much a person is willing to pay for his happiness, not with money, of course, but with the principles and form of life he lives. What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of happiness, you can pose this question this way, answer it for yourself and, in principle, you will understand what it means for you.
For if all your happiness is in a bottle, in junk, in expensive toys, in a variety of sexual partners, in anything else that makes you truly happy, then don’t start a family, don’t doom yourself, your wife or husband, or especially your children to suffering. Bad family dysfunctional family, becomes a source of suffering for many generations, because children in such families are often as irresponsible and careless as their parents, and their children, accordingly, too, and so on from generation to generation.
It’s good if someone decides to break this unconscious chain of meaningless actions, decides to understand what he really needs and how he should build his life, and if not, then people continue to act without meaning, just the way they should, it’s not clear to anyone it is necessary, why is it necessary, in general, complete madness.
For everything in this life, a person must grow up, he must grow up for his family, big money, for the other environment around him, life does not bend on its own, it can only be bended through your own efforts. Each person in this life occupies the niche to which he corresponds, he has the life he deserves.
And if she doesn’t suit him, he should start working on himself, because his form fits exactly the life that he has at the moment. If your form is not suitable for family life, then all that remains is to decide whether you want to correspond to the image of a truly real family man, a person whose life is exactly the way it should be.
When making your choice, thinking about it for some time after reading this article, you don’t need to rush, don’t think about what family life will give you, think about what kind of person you should become for it, and if this person satisfied, then your choice is obvious. But this should be your decision, your choice, only in this case you will not regret it.
The husband is the breadwinner, the wife is the keeper of the family hearth. This has been the case for centuries and even millennia. Today, the roles of men and women in the family have changed. And couples in which the wife forced carries everything on herself, and her husband transfers all activity to the sofa, they are practically never happy.
Those who are lucky, ride on them. Run diagnostics
Family security, including financial security, is his responsibility. The atmosphere in the relationship and the “weather in the house” are her responsibility. If a man does not fulfill his part of the obligations, his wife is forced to take care of the well-being of the family. As a result, torn between work and home, a woman loses strength, energy and health. A man is degrading, because for him work is an opportunity to prove to himself and others his importance.
Have you wondered who is responsible in your family, or just recognized yourself? Do you want to understand why this happened?
To answer this question, just do a simple exercise
Take two sheets of paper and a pen. Divide the first sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. In the first column, describe in detail what your man does for the family. And in the second - what you do.
Now count how many points are in the first column and how many are in the second. Ideally, a man’s contribution to family affairs and concerns is twice as much as yours. If this is not the case, it is important to determine the cause of the imbalance.
To do this, take a second sheet and also divide it into two columns. In the first, write what emotions the man brings to the family. And in the second - what emotions do you bring.
It is optimal when a man’s emotional contribution to the family atmosphere is half as much as yours. Only with such a proportion will a man feel a reliable rear and take responsibility for the family.
If it turns out that you do not give your husband enough emotions, then it is not strange that he lacks motivation to move forward and the desire to care.
If the test shows that you invest more in your family both financially and emotionally, it’s time. These recommendations will help you restore the energy balance in the family and make your man strong and responsible.
How to transfer responsibility to a man?
Tip #1: Leave the basic support for the family to the man.
Calculate your family's cost of living - add up expenses for rent, food, clothing, gasoline, etc. What percentage do you pay, and what percentage does your man pay? If the husband takes on 90 - 100% of the expenses, this is an ideal situation. If his contribution is less, begin to slowly transfer financial responsibility to him. Start, for example, by asking to pay for the Internet or telephone.
A woman should not carry anything heavier than a handbag! Therefore, stop carrying trunks and suitcases, moving furniture and doing other unfeminine work. If your husband is in no hurry to help you, ask a neighbor, an acquaintance, or a passing man.
Analyze how the household load is distributed in your family. Make a list of common tasks and what everyone is responsible for individually. It is important that both husband and wife are involved in raising children, and that each has at least one area of personal responsibility in which the other does not interfere.
Stop saving for fear of running out of money. A man feels your fear as distrust of his strength and capabilities. So he loses self-confidence. Don’t take part-time jobs, don’t feel sorry for your man. Believe in his talents and intelligence, that he can cope with any problems. Sincerely consider him support and protection, remind him of this if he suddenly gives in to difficulties.
Create a financial safety net with which the family can live peacefully for at least six months. A substantial amount will allow you to feel more confident in a crisis situation and calmly wait until the man resolves all financial issues.
Today, women often earn the same or even more than men. If your income exceeds your husband's income, never tell him about it. This not only hurts one’s pride, but also puts an end to the desire to achieve professional success. A man should feel like a leader, and money gives him this feeling.
A family is a closed energy system, and when one partner becomes active, the other relaxes. But if a woman in a relaxed state is filled with energy, then a man, on the contrary, loses it. and enjoy, and for a man to act and overcome obstacles.
Following these tips may be difficult at first. Most likely, you will be faced with your husband’s reluctance to change behavior and take responsibility for the well-being of the family. It is important not to stray from the chosen path, to be patient. It is in your power to help your family make a new start!
If you feel that the balance of “take” is disturbed in the family— give”, but you can’t figure out how to set it up, come or sign up about this question.
When the word “responsibility” is uttered to us, we immediately transfer it to the category of male character traits, since since childhood we have a certain picture of the necessary female and male responsibilities. To be soft, to be able to compromise, to show patience and care is our feminine part. But responsibility is a man's thing. And even more so when it comes to responsibility for family life. It is the man who must take responsibility, protect from dangers, protect from difficulties, and so on. A very convenient, but fundamentally wrong position.
Both spouses bear responsibility for the relationship and for family life in general. We women were not taught to take responsibility for the difficulties and adversities of life. Someone is always to blame: circumstances, higher powers, fate, husband or neighbors. But not us. How can we be responsible for an alcoholic husband, for example? Or for illness? For naughty children? For betraying a loved one? After all, it seems obvious that they are hurting us, we are. We were offended, but we still have to take responsibility for this???
Shifting responsibility creates a vicious circle in which problems, conflicts, quarrels and mutual reproaches grow like a snowball. Our main task is to remember that the people around us are mirrors that reflect some part of our soul. And what closer person, the larger the problem in the relationship, the greater the responsibility lies with us.
For example, you can consider the case of Snezhana, one of my subscribers. Her husband, previously an ideal family man and teetotaler, began to drink. And more and more often. On this basis, conflicts began to arise in their family, after which he went and got even more drunk. Is the husband responsible for family life in this case? Certainly! Is Snezhana carrying it? Most likely she sincerely believes that no. But actually yes! After we analyzed her situation and worked through it, it turned out that the woman completely stopped supporting her husband in his creative endeavors. On the contrary, she believed that creative professions were not a man’s occupation, but saw him in the role of an entrepreneur or the head of a large company. As a result, Snezhana’s husband was left not only without his wife’s support, but also with her constant reproaches. “How are you going to provide for your family? What kind of man are you if, instead of doing serious business, you play the guitar?” So he began to wash down self-doubt, spiritual emptiness and lack of fulfillment with alcohol. And from the outside, Snezhana looks, of course, like a victim. And she’s smart, and she’s beautiful, and she carries so much stuff on herself, and he drinks!
Until she took responsibility for family life, nothing changed. But as soon as she realized that it was her mistakes and incorrect behavior that entailed consequences in the form of a drinking husband, everything began to change. Now he is a successful musician who has already released his first album. And he earns, by the way, much more than his wife. And he doesn't drink.
In another situation, it may be the other way around and the husband will be the first to perk up, and the wife will change thanks to his awareness. It doesn’t matter who does it first, the main thing is to learn to take responsibility and perceive the people closest to you as your reflection. And this is not easy, oh how not easy! But it's worth it. After all, if we have not learned a life lesson, it will be repeated again and again, each time becoming more painful. And this will happen until we turn our attention to ourselves, get out of the victim state and begin to change. For the sake of our happiness, for the sake of love, for the sake of the path that our soul has chosen.
Responsibility in the family
They say that real love, essential relationships are inseparable from a sense of responsibility. The one who loves feels responsible for his loved one, for his relationship with him, for his behavior and his attitude in life together, own children.
Responsibility begins at parental family. Children watch their dad and mom, learn from them not only rules, norms of behavior and relationships between family members and people in general, but also feel with their soul and heart their involvement in everything that happens “” - this proverb, in addition to many different advantages ( as well as shortcomings), also implies responsibility and mutual responsibility between elders and younger ones, emphasizes the demands on oneself, as well as on the smaller and older members of the family, to comply with external, and especially internal principles. That external and, above all, internal “order”, “law of conscience”, which the mother and father adhere to in their lives, becomes the property of the children, their, no matter how pretentious it may sound, their ancestral heritage.
Important in family education is not only the ability to take responsibility, but also to delegate it, that is, to transfer it to another. You can give many examples when one of the parents or even both take on the entire burden of responsibility and those who are also responsible at work, in the family, in front of their parents, friends, so to speak, are “torn to pieces”, “in order to have time to do everything everywhere” everyone is “worried”. Children see such parents as “driven”, always dissatisfied with life, with each other, and with them, their sons and daughters. Such children are not given the right to make mistakes, since their right to expression of will, their own opinion, and personal responsibility is not taken into account. But only then will the child feel equal in the family, willingly perform all sorts of family responsibilities, when he understands that anyone in the family can both support another and delegate his authority, without remaining guilty and without burdening the other with guilt.
Mutual responsibility is one of the mechanisms of intra-family relations, where trust in another is manifested, respect for his abilities, moral life time, tolerance, tact, a sense of proportion in taking into account and ensuring one’s own and others’ freedom.
And I feel sorry for those boys and girls whose parents sacrificially took and carried their responsibility for themselves, their children, for the present and future of the entire family. Already adults, but irresponsible boys and girls, men and women, discover a complete inability to build their lives, achieve significant success in their professional activities, establish harmonious relationships with people, with their chosen one, and subsequently in their family, and finally, raise their own children.
Irresponsible people are really afraid of freedom, and weak-willed people avoid responsibility - these are interconnected things. Bernard Shaw said this about this: “Freedom means responsibility - that’s why most people are afraid of it.” By instilling responsibility in a child, parents lay the foundation of his will, which in turn contributes to the development and improvement of responsibility and the achievement of his maturity.
