Married to my husband for 11 years, 2 children. My husband has one very unpleasant characteristic: he starts from time to time and always makes sure that I find out about it. He can send me SMS messages that he sent to other girls or, what is most unpleasant for me, he starts (especially when he drinks), telling our mutual friends about it.
Afterwards we usually have a heart-to-heart talk, he promises that this will not happen again, but the situation repeats itself again. And time after time, it became increasingly difficult for me to forgive him, I offered a divorce, but he categorically disagrees and says that I am his only love.
I decided to break this vicious circle by any means, tried to be more caring and tolerant, tried to diversify our sex life (I became more relaxed in bed, fulfilled all his fantasies). And it seemed to me that everything was getting better, my husband admitted to me that he was afraid that I would consider this abnormal, so he was looking for communication on the Internet.
For my part, I told him about my desires and feelings (that I have a very hard time with him talking about our problems to strangers, asked him not to do that anymore. He promised that everything in our lives would change and he would offend I won’t be there anymore. I invited my husband to tell each other about all our desires, about all the claims against each other, not to keep everything to ourselves. And we began a very crazy period in our lives, it felt like we fell in love with each other again.
But recently I heard that my husband was quarreling with me in a dream, and then complaining to someone about our life together, this lasted almost 2 hours. I couldn’t stand it and went into my husband’s phone and read his correspondence with a friend. As it turned out, he periodically told his friend about our relationship, he simply exposed all my innermost feelings and desires to a stranger’s judgment. According to my husband’s website, I only want sex from him, and I constantly fuck his brains out.
My husband got sick and didn’t feel well, but at the same time he wrote me an SMS about how much he wanted me, but by the evening he was so tired that he went to bed early. I was sick too, but I didn’t tell him anything, I quietly took my medicine. We were going to spend the weekend together, in some hotel, and my mother took the children with her, but due to illness, nothing worked out. I decided to give my husband the opportunity to rest and went to see my mother and the children myself so that my husband could get a good night’s sleep. But as it turned out from the correspondence between my husband and his friend, I pouted on him because there was no sex for 4 days, and the hotel was cancelled, it was said that I only want one thing from him, I’m leaving him alone (although we live with my mother-in-law).
When I read the correspondence, I simply could not breathe normally, it was very difficult to realize that I trusted my dearest person, told about my deepest desires, and he put everything up for the judgment of a completely stranger on a person’s website, telling me one thing to my face, but to a friend it’s completely different. I don’t know what to do, I can’t trust him anymore, it was so bad that an attack of tachycardia began, I lost consciousness, I can’t eat normally and have problems sleeping. I always think about what I did to deserve this attitude. My husband writes to me that our sex has become simply stunning, and to my friend that I don’t need anything from him except sex. He swore to me that he would not morally humiliate me, discuss our life with other people, and he himself would tell a friend about everything.
As a result of all this, I have lost interest in my sex life, I always think that everything will be discussed in detail with my husband’s friend. I just don't know how to live on.
People are strange creatures. They expect everyone to love, admire, appreciate, protect, pamper and cherish them, but they behave completely differently towards others. They betray, get angry, get offended, humiliate, take revenge... Moreover, they are offended that you do not correspond to THEIR ideas, their illusions! From the category: “I came up with it myself - I was offended.” They betray where there is no question of preserving their lives, the lives and health of their loved ones, even their finances do not depend on it. They just betray you like that! They offend others casually, without even noticing it! Simply because they have “that vision.” And they don’t care that a person is sincere with them, that he helps from the heart, that he gives his all - they don’t believe in it, and they look for a “forgery”, inventing more and more negative qualities for which they could smack the person…. Have you tried looking in the mirror? So, for a change just......
I'm not normal... Knowing all this, I never close myself off. The teacher grumbles…..But I am open and sincere. And this is a wonder for people! They are used to lying all the time! Husband, wife, friends, neighbors. And therefore they have no idea that someone may not be lying. Just watch for yourself, how many times a day do you lie? Even in small things. Don't believe me? Well, watch yourself...... I’m not saying this to brand you with shame. It's just a fact. I lied the same way until they suggested that I just keep track and count how much and how I lie per day. And for what? We want to appear better, to be different from what we are. To be better, more beautiful, smarter, taller, slimmer, younger, more successful, cooler, richer... (who wants what - choose)). Why am I so truthful? No, I’m not that truthful, I often don’t tell the truth, I’m silent…. But if I speak, then mostly the truth. And I shock people with this. They don't know what to do with this truth. They rush around with her, worry, get angry and... betray. "Like this? Someone better than them! This is no good! Like this? He forgives everything and everyone! How is this possible? Is he better than others? But no! We'll put him down! We’ll spread rumors that he’s so-so-so-so... Well, we’ve ruined his reputation, now you can sleep peacefully... Otherwise it’s like: he’s good, and I’m bad...”
And you can still do better! More painful!!! After all, I have loved ones! Native. You can pour a bucket of dirt on them behind their eyes - to amuse your ego, and this will also hurt me sooooo much: after all, information will reach me anyway... By the way, before them too. The earth is round...... So what? Are you happy with yourself? Cool: slander behind your back? And the main thing: you don’t have to look him in the eyes, it’s impossible to hear the answer, you can say anything to a person and slander him however you want….. It’s good that my loved ones are above all this, but it can hurt them too…… But they forgive…. They don’t even ask for forgiveness, but they have already forgiven. In absentia. In advance. We have one school…….
And, you know, thank you, who betrayed me. Especially lately - I’ve at least learned something: to draw conclusions and at least get away from it all a little... No, I’m not angry, I’m not going to sort things out and take revenge, but I have the right to draw conclusions, don’t I? Forgiving and letting go does not mean still being a gullible idiot. This means: don’t judge, draw conclusions and move on with your life, making allowances for these conclusions….
But only when I, too, was betrayed, did I appreciate Hugo’s statement: “I am indifferent to the knife blows of an enemy, but the pin prick of a friend is painful to me.” And I decided to fully understand this phenomenon, try to develop measures to prevent betrayal, find out the characteristics of behavior when you have already been betrayed, find out whether you yourself have betrayed someone, describe the psychological portrait of a traitor. I have already accumulated material.
Who is betraying? “Loyal” people: favorites (students, employees, subordinates, etc.), and all those in whom you have invested both your soul and material resources. The pattern here is this: the greater the benefit, the stronger the betrayal.
Betrayal is widespread. At lectures on the psychology of betrayal, I asked those who were betrayed to raise their hands. Almost everyone raised their hands (and my listeners are patients with neuroses and psychosomatic diseases). Almost everyone has experienced betrayal. Betrayed by children, parents, a friend, or a beloved student.
So what is betrayal?
Betrayal is the deliberate infliction of harm (material, moral or physical) on a person or group of people who has trusted you.
Betrayal must be distinguished from apostasy. Apostasy is a refusal to communicate with a previously close person or group of people. Let us remember that Peter denied Christ three times, but nevertheless still enjoys respect. Judas betrayed Christ only once, and this act is the standard of betrayal.
The betrayal is described in detail in Dante's Divine Comedy. In the ninth circle, traitors are tormented in four ditches. In the first ditch, which he named after Cain, who killed his brother Abel, traitors to their relatives are serving their punishment, in the second ditch - traitors to their homeland and like-minded people, in the third - traitors to their companions, in the fourth - traitors to their Teachers. It is in this ditch that Judas, Brutus and Cassius are found.
We, brought up in certain traditions (“think about your Motherland first, and then about yourself”), may be perplexed that the betrayal of a fellow diner is punished more severely than the betrayal of relatives, homeland and like-minded people.
True, we were taught to betray. After all, the ideal for the pioneers was Pavlik Morozov. Thank God that the articles on the obligation to inform on blood relatives have now been excluded from the Criminal Code! And to what level were those who betrayed their Teachers raised, let us remember the notorious session of the All-Russian Academy of Agricultural Sciences-NIL, which defended the “teachings” of Lysenko, and the session of the USSR Academy of Medical Sciences, which “defended” I.P. Pavlova!
But why, after all, is the betrayal of fellow diners punished more severely than the betrayal of relatives and homeland? This is where Dante's genius comes into play. Genius always reflects what corresponds to the Laws of life, and not written laws. Laws are binding on everyone and there are no exceptions. So what are these Laws in terms of relationships between people?
Previously, there was a dinner companion who was at the same time a hunting comrade, a co-worker, or a homeland? And who is closer to a person: an employee with whom he communicates every day, or a brother who may live in a completely different place? Of course, a dining companion, a co-worker. What does food mean to us? Food is life! Therefore, a dining companion is a person who helps us survive. And if I do something mean to the person from whom I ate, then I automatically become a traitor.
Therefore, I made it a rule for myself not to sit at the table with a person with whom I am in confrontation. And vice versa, if it happens that I am visiting someone, then I will never speak out against him. When I have an undecided relationship with a person, I sit down with him at the table, so as not to become a traitor later.
Dante was right that he considered betrayal of relatives the easiest thing. And people say that it is not the mother who gave birth, but the one who raised and fed. And Dante is three times right in that he determined the highest punishment for the traitors of the Teacher, for one becomes a Man thanks to the Teacher. And if you have disagreements with the Teacher, leave him, but do not speak out against him.
My scientific work is related to the problem of fate. One of the main points here is the triangle of fate described by Karpman. If a person finds himself in a scenario, then his life follows this triangle, where his roles change. What are these roles? These are the roles of Persecutor, Deliverer and Victim.
A patient or client comes to my appointment in the role of a Victim. A return to a happy life can only come if he learns to build equal relationships with people. Then he will avoid the roles of Persecutor and Deliverer, which from a psychological point of view are the same thing - communication with a sign of superiority over a partner. If a boss pursues a subordinate, then the latter, if he gains strength, will begin to pursue the boss, who will turn from a Persecutor into a Victim.
The fate of the Deliverer is similar. If parents save their children from difficulties in the process of raising them, then the latter will sit on their necks, and the parents will become Victims. From these considerations the rule follows:
Do not persecute and do not deliver, and then no one will betray you, and you will not betray anyone.
Many endure bullying, hoping that the traitor’s conscience will awaken. But something that is not there cannot wake up. Conscience is a function of the soul, but a traitor does not have it.
Dante deeply noted that “as soon as the soul has committed betrayal... the demon immediately enters its body, and remains in it until the time for the flesh is extinguished.” Moreover, no traitor realizes that he is a traitor.
Usually a traitor explains his action by the interests of the cause. They say that he opposes the Teacher not out of a desire to harm him, but because his ideas are already outdated, his activities are a hindrance to the cause, etc. The traitor, in order to justify the first betrayal, commits a second, third, and so on until infinity, “until the time of the flesh is extinguished.”
A few words about the personality of the traitor
Traitors can be active or passive. What they have in common is that they do not have their own business, they live at the expense of creative individuals. Who would have known about Judas if there had not been Jesus Christ? Thus, the traitor is always secondary.So, if you don’t want to become a victim of betrayal, don’t have loyal people, acquire immunity to admiration. Don't deliver, but don't persecute either. How can you avoid becoming a traitor yourself? After all, betrayal can be conscious or unconscious. But the payback in both cases is the same. After all, when Judas realized that he was a traitor, he hanged himself.
Betrayal by a communication partner usually begins with doubts. “Doubt is equal to betrayal,” says Eastern wisdom.
I know one manager who never hires employees who doubt him. And this is an absolutely correct position. After all, if I doubt a person, then, therefore, I see or assume that he has traits that do not suit me. And what difference does it make whether they really exist or not, I behave with him as if they are in him, this is a constant source of unnecessary worries and worries. Isn't it better to immediately refuse communication?
I always tell my listeners something like this: “If you are in doubt about whether to come to my lectures or not, then don’t go. If you have a good time elsewhere, I will be happy for you. But if you feel bad there, your soul will be with me. And then she will bring the body.” In light of the above, it is clear that if doubts arise when making vital decisions, then it is better to abandon the intention (for example, to build a family with this person).
But if communication has already begun, then you must trust completely and without doubt. Following this rule has led to the fact that now I have no enemies in my immediate environment. It may be objected to me that I am mistaken. Well, maybe! But this is better than not having enemies, but thinking that they exist.
After all, if I live with the feeling that I have no enemies, then I feel bad only at the moment when they do something dirty to me, and if I doubt my friends, I always feel bad.
I even learned to use my gullibility. When starting any business with a new partner, I trust him completely. Thus, I give the impression of a simpleton to an unscrupulous person, and he deceives me. But the first thing is always insignificant!
This is how I formed a “card index” of reliable and unreliable people. And this is already good capital! In addition, there is an opportunity to collaborate with reliable people in whom I have confidence. And if something doesn’t work out, then I know that it’s all a matter of circumstances. In general, as Rasul Gamzatov said, “don’t blame the horse, blame the road.”
