As they say, it is impossible to live in society and be free from society. And we are all social people, meeting a lot of other people every day. And we all have to deal with issues of interaction with this mass of other people every day. Moreover, preferably, such an interaction after which you do not feel like a “squeezed lemon.” One of the most common problems in such interaction is someone else’s aggression.
No one is immune from this, so everyone periodically has to wonder how to resist someone else’s aggression? How not to accept it or how to protect yourself from it?
What should be the position inside so that it simply doesn’t occur to people (even the most notorious “boors”) to pick on you and behave aggressively towards you?
Or, to ask the question differently, how are people who rarely experience aggression from strangers different from people who constantly experience it on themselves?
I’m not talking about those moments when you are carelessly touched in a queue or on the subway, when a cashier tired from the day allows herself to talk to you in an irritated tone, or a person causes aggression by accidentally stepping on your foot.
I’m talking about those moments when people purposefully, with full awareness and understanding of what they are doing, behave aggressively towards other people, are deliberately “rude”, speak out, push, in general, provoke a person to respond.
Let me make a reservation right away that under no circumstances does aggression appear “just like that” out of the blue; there is always a reason for its appearance. It’s just that often this reason is not visible to the naked eye, and a person himself may not realize that he himself is the provocateur of someone else’s aggression.
In what form can someone else's aggression manifest itself?
- Open. Everything is clear here, these are attacks from complete strangers, “rudeness” in transport and on the streets, “bulldozer grandmothers” from the Soviet past, the neighbor is an aggressive drunkard, various kinds of people from the lower social stratum, people who are used to solving their problems in an aggressive way.
- Hidden. Friends and girlfriends often allow themselves aggression “on the basis of friendship.” All this is expressed in impartial statements, advice that was not asked for, in various kinds of “disservices.” And often this is not realized by the person - the aggressor. He is fully confident that he is “helping” his friend. All sorts of comments, statements, criticism, just clinging to a person, seasoned with the sauce “I know better how you should live and what to do,” and aimed at making the person comfortable with such a “friend” and doing what he wants .
This also includes people who consider others to be “cattle” not worth attention. Such people always and everywhere behave like “kings”, they do not take into account the opinions of others, but they do this not in an open form, but by showing it to everyone with their behavior. They simply have an unreasonably inflated sense of self-importance.
In both cases, a person who has been subjected to someone else’s aggression feels “drenched in slop,” feels guilty for not being able to defend himself, feels humiliated, insulted, “knocked out of the rut.”
Who are these people who constantly fall under the influence of other people's aggression? Or maybe not constantly, but periodically, and this complicates life.
Firstly, These are people who themselves have a lot of aggression inside, but who have prohibitions on its manifestation. A person realizes this aggression through the release of aggression from other people.
Here we can draw an analogy with people who are afraid of dogs. The dog senses this subconscious fear and bites or barks at just such a person. In the case of someone else's aggression, the same thing happens. The energetic, internal state of a person is such that he “attracts” aggressors into his life. People around you feel and unmistakably identify someone who can be “rude” based on body position, voice, facial expressions, appearance, demeanor, and so on.
Thus, life gives feedback. After all, people receive only what is in themselves, but what they are afraid to admit, or what they have internal, very strong prohibitions on.
Let’s say a child grew up in an intelligent family, where it was impossible not only to show dissatisfaction, but to look “in the wrong way.” And the educational process was aimed at suppressing the individual, all manifestations of dissatisfaction, even to the point of prohibiting being in a bad mood. This is just one example.
Or families with fathers who are alcoholics, when children are afraid of angering their father under pain of physical harm. Imagine a child who grew up in conditions of constant physical abuse and moral humiliation. Such a child, due to his physical weakness in front of an older person, is simply forced to suppress aggression within.
Or a child grew up in a family where all problems were solved with the help of shouting, swearing, and swearing. And even as an adult, such a person experiences panic, panic, and loss when confronted with raised voices or rudeness. Up to various phobias.
Many examples can be given, but such people have one thing in common.
These people are Victims.
The aggressor needs to “drain” aggression, this is obvious, but only on someone who cannot respond. To the Victim, whose own aggression is suppressed. And since, as a rule, the aggressor himself is a Victim inside (also suppressed), he “senses” the same Victim in another person. And even if the Victim starts to “snarl”, then she will do this from the state of the Victim. And this will not lead to any positive result.
Secondly, people who attract aggressors most often suffer from the so-called “Rejection Trauma.” These are people who seem to themselves to be “too big” in this world, they try to take up as little space as possible in it, they are afraid of seeming inconvenient or disturbing someone. They simply psychologically do not allow themselves too much, for example, a high salary, a more convenient and comfortable place of work, a large house or car. Liz Burbo talks about this trauma in her book. Here's an excerpt:
Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected one feels it as a rejection of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of rejection appears first, which means that the cause of such trauma in a person’s life occurs earlier than others.
A suitable example is an unwanted child born “by chance.” A striking case is a child of the wrong gender. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child. It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, nevertheless the child feels rejected for every, even small reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound not healed, it is very easy to unravel. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of rejection only worsens.
From the very day when the baby felt rejected, he begins to develop a mask fugitive. This mask manifests itself physically as an elusive physique, that is, a body (or part of the body) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, and not be visible among others.
This body does not want to take up a lot of space, it takes on the image of one running away, slipping away, and throughout its life it strives to occupy as little space as possible. . When you see a person who looks like a disembodied ghost - “skin and bones” - you can with a high degree of confidence expect that he is suffering from the deep trauma of a rejected being.
A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that she has not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of being unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly adjusted to each other. The left side of the face, for example, may differ noticeably from the right, and this is visible to the naked eye; there is no need to check it with a ruler. When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those areas of the body where whole pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, depressions in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ),
Not to be present so as not to suffer.
The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is the desire to run away, to slip away, to disappear. A child who feels rejected and creates a fugitive mask is usually living in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often smart, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. Such children invent many ways to escape from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school.
The fugitive prefers not to become attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away whenever and wherever he wants. It seems as if he really looks down on everything material. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very difficult for him to believe that he can be happy here.
The fugitive does not believe in his own worth; he does not value himself at all.
The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. Both in the family and in any group of people, he is suppressed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation.The deeper the trauma of the rejected person, the more strongly he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he finds himself rejected or rejects himself.
And when a person with the “rejection trauma” goes out into the street, he often becomes the object of aggression from others. Again, such a person is in a state of Victim, and people simply “mirror” this state to him.
Third, people who suppress reciprocal aggression within themselves, “swallow” someone else’s, do not allow themselves to adequately rebuff the aggressor, and are often victims of targeted, intermittent, sudden aggression. For example, many cannot adequately rebuff their boss’s aggression. What happens next? A person suppresses a reciprocal aggressive impulse, but this impulse requires compensation, so a person can “lash out” at loved ones in order to compensate for the aggression. The one who was “taken away” transmits this aggression further until this impulse reaches the source of aggression (that is, the boss). This always happens.
No one ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. –Kin Hubbard
So, we have decided who, most often, are those people who constantly experience the effects of other people’s aggression. Now the natural question is what to do about it.
How to resist other people's aggression?
1. Understand yourself.
If a Victim “climbs” out of you - so obvious that it attracts aggressors, then you need to understand where this Victim came from. Whether you have “rejection trauma” or its origins in your childhood, you need to understand where exactly you blocked yourself from allowing yourself to respond and work in this direction. You need to understand that a person has the right to defend himself and respond to the aggression of others. But it is still better to free yourself from blockages and traumas, and then people will reflect your new worldview to you. How to do it?
2. Understand that other people's aggression is not your problem.
These are the problems of an attacking aggressive person. It is HIM who needs to “drain” aggression, but you just got in his way, and he wants to take advantage of it. And it is advisable to understand this not from the state of the Victim, but from the state of understanding that the “boor” is restless inside and needs to put his spiritual excrement somewhere. And he looks for such a “colostomy bag” in other people. Do you want to be a “colostomy bag”?
Just understanding this already helps to separate you from the state of the Victim, and therefore removes the aggressor’s appetite for such “tasty” energy for him. After all, a person who behaves aggressively does it purposefully in order to receive the energy of attention directed at him. Separating your state from that of the aggressor will allow you not to react too violently, which means you will not allow him to recharge with your emotions.
3. Give a response to the aggressor in an acceptable form.
This point disappears by itself when a person learns to be in a different internal state, the “boa constrictor” state. In the meantime, while studying, the recommendations are as follows.
If a person directs aggression at another, then he is subconsciously ready to receive it in return. Therefore, it is necessary to respond to aggression in any case, everywhere and always. Your self-esteem will thank you later. You need to respond to aggression with adequate aggression, you don’t even feel like eating, even if this is not typical for you, even if you know that you will lose time and energy in this conflict. Adequate rebuff consists of an immediate reaction aimed at showing that aggression has been noticed, and you will continue to fight back if necessary: “Be careful,” “Be careful,” “Talk to me in a polite tone,” “You offended me.” , “Stop yelling at me,” and so on. Moreover, this should be said not in a trembling voice, but in a calm, confident tone, looking into the eyes if possible. Show that you don't need conflict, but you can stand up for yourself. There is no need to be “rude” or shout back; you won’t achieve anything by doing this, you will only accept someone else’s rules of the game on someone else’s field. But if a person takes the situation into his own hands, then he controls the situation, and not she controls it. By the way, if you don’t answer anything, it’s the same as accepting someone else’s rules of the game.
At the same time, the goal of retaliatory aggression is not to gain satisfaction and win against the “boor,” but to be cool and put him in his place. That is, the goal is not to win in “rudeness.” The goal is to prevent aggressive people from harming you, and to remain internally calm and aware that you can stand up for yourself. Don’t feel like a colostomy bag later.
All these recommendations are good when aggression directed at you suddenly overtakes you, you are not prepared for it, and you need to react quickly. But you won’t walk around in a state of “combat readiness” all your life, so you need, in principle, to achieve such an internal state when people simply won’t think of attacking you out of the blue.
What needs to be done for this?
1. Learn to assert your boundaries.
Always and everywhere you need to learn to defend your boundaries. By analogy with the state. A normal state will always harshly suppress attempts to violate its borders, both explicit and implicit. Only, unlike the state, a person’s borders are more easily controlled by himself. And if the borders of the state can still be violated and go unnoticed, then when a person’s borders are violated, our built-in self-esteem system will always signal this. This can manifest itself as anger, protest, irritation, for example, when loved ones interfere in your life without your permission, perhaps dissatisfaction, and other manifestations expressed on an emotional level. In principle, everyone has encountered this.
Any person who has violated your boundaries should receive an adequate response. Even your closest people, parents, wives and husbands should know that you will not allow your boundaries to be violated. This does not mean that you should indulge in swearing and “rudeness,” or a disregard for the requests and criticism of your family. You can always find words, it’s not for nothing that Russian is great and powerful, and explain that you don’t like it, that without your permission they are trying to make you convenient for others.
2. Learn to be in a state of balance and calm. In a “boa constrictor” state.
This does not mean at all that if you have been subjected to aggressive attacks from another person, then you need to stand in “nirvana” and not react in any way. No, a state of balance means that even if you remain silent in response to “rudeness,” it’s not because you suppress aggression in yourself, but because it doesn’t bother you in any way, and you “don’t care” about this aggression so much that even too lazy to react somehow. But this is a reason to think about it, because, as I already said, an aggressive impulse does not form out of the blue.
Usually, the internal state of calm in case of unreasonable “rudeness” is disturbed, and if you swallow the insult or suppress retaliatory aggression, then the internal state of calm will be disturbed even more. Therefore, you need to answer, but from a state of balance, NOT a Victim, NOT a “boor,” not because you need to answer, but only so that the aggressor is silent, and “so that it would be discouraging.”
You need to learn to be in a “boa constrictor” state, which, if something happens, can bite off your head. And if suddenly another person decides to “discharge” aggression on you, then you will no longer be a “rabbit” who is afraid and cowardly. You will be at least an equal “boa constrictor”, and in some cases you will even surpass the aggressive person in terms of energy. And he will understand that you will not allow yourself to be offended, and will simply bypass you “by the tenth road.”
What should NOT be done in the event of someone else’s aggression?
- “Be rude”, swear in response. First place in the “rudeness” competition is far from the best prize. Yes, and it turns out not environmentally friendly.
- Keep quiet and “swallow.” In this case, consider that you have given yourself an energy breakdown. You will remain indignant and swear “to yourself” for a long time, grind this situation inside, getting annoyed with yourself, and blaming yourself for not fighting back the insolent person.
- Be silent and internally “accept.” In this case, you allow anyone to violate your boundaries. And it feels like you become a “colostomy bag” that anyone can use.
Once again I want to repeat that never, under any circumstances, an aggressive impulse arises just like that. If aggression is directed at you, it means that you suppressed it inside instead of responding to it and compensating for this someone else’s aggressive impulse.
And to the aggression suppressed inside, you “pulled” aggression from another person, in order to splash it out and not become a dumping ground of complexes. We can say that this is how the “cycle of aggression” works in nature. A person is forced to suppress aggression within when he cannot give an adequate response, when his boundaries are violated, when there are unprocessed traumas that need to be worked through.
Aggression is the only adequate reaction to one’s own helplessness. – Bagdasaryan A
The ideal case is for a person to be in a “boa constrictor” state, so that others would not think of directing their aggression against you.
Many people know what they should do if they encounter an aggressive animal. For example, with a dog. The usual model of behavior in such a situation is to remain apparently calm and not make too sudden movements unless you are in real danger. Likewise, when faced with an aggressive person, you need to behave in a special way.
How to deal with an aggressive person
1. If possible, then leave the danger zone in which the aggressive person is located. Anger and aggression often subside when there is no one in the immediate vicinity to become the target of aggression.
2. Do not try to reason with and calm an aggressive person until his emotions begin to subside and he is able to think adequately. Otherwise, he simply will not hear you, and your behavior itself will be perceived as aggression towards himself.
3. Do not show counter-aggression towards an angry person. In most cases, a struggle for power and leadership will ensue.
4. Speak calmly and kindly, at a normal, even somewhat slow, pace of speech.
5. Don't get too close to an aggressive person. Intrusion into his personal area may be perceived as a need to attack. Keeping your distance will allow you to avoid a surprise attack.
6. You should not smile widely, as this may be perceived in a completely different way than you expected. Let us recall that a smile is a grin that has evolved in people’s minds, the main purpose of which was to demonstrate teeth, i.e. a threat, and not at all a demonstration of a good attitude. A person who is too strongly influenced by emotions may react to a wide smile quite aggressively.
7. Do not get into arguments, as no logical arguments will break through emotions.
9. Remember about the possibility of involving the police in calming down an aggressive person if you feel that events are beginning to become dangerous. Call them and report the problem.
10. If it is not possible to avoid a conflict with an aggressive person, then take care of your own protection.
It should be remembered that aggressive behavior may not be emotional, but specially planned behavior. The object of aggression in this case is a deliberately chosen victim. In this case, the approaches listed above will not always work.
Be attentive to the people around you. Aggressive behavior usually does not arise sharply and suddenly, but is the result of accumulated internal contradictions and grievances. Your help and sympathy when you see that a person is feeling bad can prevent aggressive behavior from occurring at all.
When we hear the word “violence,” we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force against a weaker person. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical violence, since it cripples not the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses self-confidence and his “I” and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.
Signs and types of psychological violence
Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of someone who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change his behavior, opinion, decision and act as the manipulative aggressor wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to mentally break the victim and make him completely dependent on his will. To achieve their goal, aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:
Protection from psychological violence
People who succumb most easily to psychological pressure are those who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all define for yourself your rights and responsibilities in each area of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.
Confronting those who like to command
When faced with someone who likes to command and give orders, you need to ask yourself two questions: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and “What will happen if I don’t do what he asks?” If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander needs to be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my responsibility to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.
Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly shifts part of his responsibilities to employee B without providing any counter services in return. In this case, confrontation with the aggressor will look like this:
A: You are just printing something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.
B: Am I working here as your secretary? My job responsibilities do not include printing your documents and delivering them anywhere. I have a lot of work to do, so do your report yourself and don’t distract me from my work, please.
Protection from verbal aggression
The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the expectations of the aggressor and to react completely differently than he expects: to joke, remain indifferent, or feel sorry for the offender. Also an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the “psychological aikido” method developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method is to use depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (like a psychiatrist agrees with everything the patient tells him).
Practical example: The husband calls and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological violence in this case may be as follows:
M: You don’t know how to do anything at all! You are a disgusting housewife, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying under the sofa over there!
Zh: Yes, I’m so incompetent, it’s so hard for you with me! Surely you can do better cleaning than me, so I will be grateful if next time you help me clean the house.
Confronting being ignored
It is important to remember that deliberate ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not succumb to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger to mercy. A person who is inclined to constantly be offended and “ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made to understand that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.
Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been accustomed to manipulating her older sister (S) since childhood. In cases where M doesn’t like something, she begins to deliberately ignore S and triple her boycott. Resistance to psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:
S: In a week I’m leaving on a business trip for two months.
S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.
M: So that means? Then you are no longer my sister and I won’t talk to you!
Resisting psychological pressure from feelings of duty or guilt
Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against pressure from feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and responsibilities, a person will always be able to determine what is not part of his responsibilities. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibilities and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.
Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to prohibit her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be like this:
M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for their parents in old age, and you are abandoning me!
D: I’m not leaving you - I’ll call you, come to visit you and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?
M: What are you saying? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!
D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting things to do. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.
Stand up to bullying
When you hear from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning “if you don’t do something, then misfortune will happen in your life” or “if you don’t change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you,” you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In cases where the intimidation or threats have no basis in reality, the blackmailer can be asked to carry out his threat right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can carry out the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.
Practical example: Employee A has not done his part on the project and is trying to intimidate Employee B into doing his job. Here's how you can resist pressure in such cases:
A: Why are you going to leave if the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, the boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?
Q: I've done my part. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.
A: The boss doesn’t care who does what. He needs results. So help me if you don't want to get kicked out.
Q: What do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me because I refuse to do your part of the duties.
Many people are aware that psychological abuse is being used against them, but they do not dare fight back for fear of ruining their relationship with someone who likes to command, manipulate, or abuse. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself exactly why such relationships are valuable and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to the detriment of yourself, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.
Aggressive behavior in some cases can act as a manifestation of the work of defense mechanisms and serve as a signal of intensification of psychological defense. Its function is to “fence” the sphere of consciousness of negative, traumatic experiences. As long as the information coming from outside is not consumed by the person’s existing understanding of the world around him, of himself, the person does not experience discomfort. But as soon as any discrepancy is noted, a person faces a problem: either change the ideal idea of himself, or somehow process the information. It is when choosing the latter strategy that psychological defense mechanisms begin to operate. Psychological protection is determined by the subjective significance of the event for a person. According to E. Kirshbaum and A. Eremeeva, psychological defense is not a normal, but an unusual way of resolving a situation and psychological regulation of behavior. This method is used in situations of difficulty or some impossibility, and, therefore, is initiated by exceptional, acute situations.
A common feature of all types of psychological defense is that it can only be judged by indirect manifestations. The subject is aware not only of some of the stimuli affecting him that have passed through the so-called “filter of significance,” but much of what was perceived unconsciously is also reflected in behavior. When a person receives unpleasant information, he cannot react to it in various ways. He may reduce the significance of information, deny facts that seem completely obvious to others, or forget “inconvenient” information. Psychological protection is an important regulatory system for personality stabilization. Plutchik, Kellerman, Conte identified 8 fairly large types of psychological defense associated with basic emotions:
1. Denial
2. Compensation
3. Regression
4. Projection
5. Reactive formation
6. Rationalization
7. Repression
8. Substitution
We can talk about the effect of psychological defense when, for example, instead of identifying the causes of a problematic situation, a person begins to look for the “culprit” and thinks through ways of revenge.
Age-related characteristics of aggressive behavior
The nature of aggressive behavior is largely determined by recurrent features. Each return stage has a specific developmental situation and puts forward certain requirements for the individual. Adaptation to age requirements is often accompanied by various manifestations of aggressive behavior. Crisis, transitional periods are associated with dissatisfaction with one's position, protest behavior, capriciousness and imbalance.
Psychoanalytic research indicates frequent attacks of anger experienced by infants, especially in situations where their needs are not sufficiently taken into account. It is a well-known fact that young children, wanting to preserve their mother's love, tend to show cruelty towards their newborn brother or sister.
Adapting to the requirements of kindergarten, kids can call names, pinch, spit, and fight. Moreover, these actions are performed, as they say, “indiscriminately” - impulsively, unconsciously and openly. Negativity, stubbornness, refusal, and nail biting are considered passive manifestations of aggression at this age. Special studies show that the level of aggressiveness and intransigence in children decreases in preschool age.
The child’s behavior significantly depends on the emotional climate in the family, primarily on the relationship with the mother. Thus, in particular, relationships with the mother in infancy and early childhood significantly influence the formation of prosociality-aggression. Aggressive children usually grow up in families that show little interest in the child's development and prefer punishment to care and patient explanation. In the family, the child undergoes primary socialization. It was revealed that cruel punishments correlate with a high level of aggressiveness in children, and insufficient supervision of children and permissiveness are associated with an antisocial orientation. The child’s too much freedom, the parents’ inability to cope with their son’s energetic and demanding behavior, and the inability to teach him the rules of behavior form a style of forceful dominance and insubordination. Punishment is effective if it is consistent, adequate to the offense and accompanied by a friendly explanation of the rules of behavior. Punishments may include deprivation of rewards, temporary isolation from peers, and not demonstrations of hostility. In general, children's aggressiveness is the other side of defenselessness. If a child feels unprotected, numerous fears are born in his soul. In an effort to cope with his fears, the child resorts to defensive-aggressive behavior. Another possible way to overcome fear could be to direct aggression towards yourself. Autoregression manifests itself in different ways, for example, in self-destructive fantasies, shyness, or ideas of self-punishment. For preschool children, the most typical forms of aggression were damage to toys, throwing objects, occasional rough treatment of animals, passive-aggressive reactions of protest, intransigence and increased stubbornness. In early preschool age, aggression more often manifests itself towards weaker students in the form of ridicule, curses, and fights.
A specific feature of aggressive behavior in adolescence is its dependence on a peer group against the backdrop of the collapse of adult authority. At this age, being aggressive often means “appearing or being strong.” In some cases, the initiators of aggressive behavior may be individual adolescent outsiders, maladapted for various reasons and making attempts to assert themselves through aggression. O.I. Shlyakhina showed that a teenager’s aggressiveness is determined by his status in the group. The highest levels of aggression are observed among leaders and outcasts. Thus, adolescence is a period of acute crisis of growing up and is often accompanied by risky behavior and deviations. If parents are ready to provide the teenager with more autonomy, independence, and form more equal and cooperative relationships with him, then the crisis of growing up passes faster and easier. Despite its widespread prevalence, manifestations of child and adolescent aggressiveness do not have serious negative consequences for others and do not disrupt the social functioning and psychological development of children and adolescents. Severe forms of violent behavior, antisocial and clearly pathological forms of aggression are observed much less frequently. In general, the age-related dynamics of aggression correspond to age-related “crises” at 3-4 years, 6-7 years, and in puberty. The most important, “turning point” moment of the pubertal crisis, which is accompanied by a sharp rise in delinquency in adolescents, is the age of 14-15 years. At the same time, from this age, physical aggression decreases in both boys and girls.
It can be concluded that aggressive behavior is quite common in childhood and adolescence. Moreover, in the process of socialization of a teenager, aggressive behavior has a number of important functions. Normally, it frees you from fear, helps you defend your interests, protects you from external threats, and promotes adaptation. In this regard, we can talk about two types of manifestation of teenage aggression: “benign-adaptive” and “destructive-maladaptive.” Moreover, for the development of the personality of a child and adolescent, it is not only the aggressive manifestations themselves that are dangerous, but their result and the incorrect reaction of others. When violence provides various privileges, children and adolescents are more likely to develop behavior based on a culture of power. This type of behavior forms the basis of the social functioning of adults, for example, in criminal gangs. The desire of others to suppress aggression by force often leads to the opposite of the expected effect.
Thus, the life-meaning concept of schoolchildren in grades 6-11 with aggressive manifestations is characterized by poverty and originality of value orientations, a lower level of formation of life-meaning orientations, and tendencies towards an external locus of control; preference for material values compared to non-aggressive peers, who are characterized by the expressed value of a “happy family life”.
Psychological attacks
Have you ever had a time in your life when, after communicating with someone, your condition worsened: your mood deteriorated, irritation or apathy appeared, internal dissatisfaction appeared, and your confidence in your abilities weakened? If the answer to this question is yes, you can be sure that you have become a victim of a psychological attack.
Have you ever suppressed other people, subjugated them to your will, forced them to do something unpleasant? If so, you yourself used psychological attack techniques.
What is a psychological attack, what are its methods and causes, and how to protect yourself from it?
A psychological attack is any action or statement as a result of which a person is deprived of his internal psychological integrity.
In order to successfully defend against such an attack, you need to recognize that it is happening. A psychological attack, unlike a physical one, is not always immediately visible. Often it is hidden under the guise of a business or friendly conversation, benevolent instruction, philosophical discussion of a problem, family advice, etc.
One of the available methods that allows you to realize the fact of a psychological attack is to track discomfort states that arise during communication.
The appearance of such states in the process of communication is perfectly described by I. Ilf and E. Petrov in an episode telling how a great strategist took control of the former leader of the nobility. Let us list these states and illustrate them with examples from the indicated episode.
The appearance of a feeling of psychological discomfort during communication: nervousness, excitement, panic, unpleasant sensations in the body.
Ippolit Matveyevich had never dealt with such a temperamental young man as Bender, and he felt bad.
“Well, you know, I’ll go,” he said.
Where will you go? There is no hurry for you. The GPU will come to you on its own.
Manifestation of certain behavioral stereotypes and imposed roles.
Ippolit Matveyevich...didn’t dare to leave. He felt very timid at the thought that the unknown young man would spread all over the city that the former leader had arrived. Then it’s all over, and maybe they’ll go to jail.
“You still don’t tell anyone that you saw me,” said Ippolit Matveyevich pleadingly, “they might actually think that I’m an emigrant.”
Imbalance in the distribution of responsibility. It occurs when a person, during communication, suddenly notices that he “should” do something, without knowing where this obligation came from.
Ippolit Matveyevich, driven to despair... submitted.
“Okay,” he said, “I’ll explain everything to you.”
“After all, it’s difficult without an assistant,” thought Ippolit Matveyevich, “and he seems to be a big swindler. He could be useful.”
Why are we being attacked?
In everyone's life, problematic situations happen that cause a lot of unpleasant experiences. If you look closely at such situations, you will notice that situations that are problematic and unpleasant for one person may not be noticed at all by other people.
Another pattern can be noted: in the life of every person, approximately the same type of problem situations occur. So, one person becomes a victim of family scandals, another is often accosted on the street, a third is given impossible tasks at work and is constantly reprimanded for failure to complete them, a fourth constantly experiences problems with his chosen life partners, etc.
No matter how perfect a person is, such situations still get in his way, since it is precisely such situations that are the source of further spiritual growth. Trying to find a way out of such situations, a person develops the qualities he lacks and comprehends previously unstudied laws of Nature. However, such situations can bring not only spiritual growth, but also significant energy losses.
Why is this happening? What makes a person get into the same type of trouble over and over again? What attracts situations to him that cause these troubles? The answer is obvious. The source of one’s troubles and the magnet for corresponding situations is the person himself, or rather his energy structure.
So why are we being attacked? At first glance, the reasons for any attack lie in the psychological characteristics of the attacker (aggressor). However, such behavior is associated with deeper reasons, one of which is the existence of life scenarios, in accordance with which every person lives and acts.
The aggressor, like the victim, is under the power of a certain script that pushes him to a similar form of behavior. The subconscious reason for aggressive behavior is the desire to impose on the interlocutor some role in the same scenario. With this type of development of events, the aggressor and the victim can, over time, form a fairly stable symbiotic pair of people playing complementary roles in a single scenario. Thus, the main goal of the aggressor is to destroy the integrity of the attacked, and, above all, to impose on him a certain role in his scenario.
On the other hand, the person being attacked may have a question: “Why was I the victim of the attack in each specific case?” Indeed, the victim of a certain type of psychological attack is a person who is perceived by the potential aggressor as a victim.
Energy of conflict
In addition to the psychological component, any attack also has an energy component. Any conflict between people at the physical level is only a reflection of the corresponding conflict at the energy level, and the energy conflict begins, as a rule, long before the physical one and ends a considerable time after it.
A conflict situation begins when it begins to disturb, and ends when it stops disturbing. For example, you have a difficult and unpleasant conversation ahead of you. Already a few days before it, you begin to prepare, get nervous, and mentally take part in the conversation.
After such a conversation, there may be an unpleasant aftertaste, a feeling of dissatisfaction, a desire to mentally “find out”, change the content of the conversation. The conversation itself may not even take place on the physical level, but on the energetic level the conflict still took place.
Thus, interaction between people is a complex process of energy exchange in which energy is emitted and absorbed. Such energy exchange is not always beneficial for all participants in the interaction. Often a person leaves communication in a state much worse than the one with whom communication began.
There are two types of work with energy that can be inherent in every person in the process of communication.
Energy emission
With this method of energy work, a person puts a certain charge of emotional energy into speech or actions and brings it out to the interlocutor. The more a person puts such energy into his words or actions, the greater the impact they have on others. Of course, not every person knows how to remove energy, much less do it consciously.
Energy Absorption
Another type of working with energy is its absorption. Attracting someone else's energy into a person's field occurs when he attracts the attention, thoughts, and desires of other people. However, not everyone can absorb the attracted energy. For some, such energy only brings harm.
An energy attack can use both energy absorption and energy emission. However, the mechanisms of such attacks are different. In the first case, a person seems to “break through” with an overly intense directed flow of energy, and in the second, he is “clung” to the attacker’s field, which forces him to give up his energy for a long time.
Thus, the basis of any attack is the flow of energy emitted by the attacker. In principle, a person with highly developed energy centers can attack only on the energetic level, without resorting to words and gestures. However, a more common situation is in which the energy is released through appropriate gestures and words, so the type of attack can be determined by the nature of the person's behavior.
Let's give examples and methods of various attacks.
1. Attack of the worldview component of a person.Such an attack is an attempt to impose on a person some of his own way of seeing the world or views on some issue. It is based on the inability of the attacker to check all the components of this concept.
There are two basic forms of this type of attack. The first of them includes any statement expressed in a categorical form, addressed to the interlocutor: “Man was created to work (to love, to suffer ...).”
Another form of such an attack is an attempt to force a person to go deeper into his problems, in this way occupying his mental energy and distracting him from continuing communication. This technique is used as an auxiliary technique to weaken the psychological and energetic defense of the person being attacked, sometimes before using technique 1. For example: “What is bothering you now (technique 2)? A person always worries when he lacks love (money, communication...) (technique 1 )".
The nonverbal form of this type of psychological attack can be a close, analyzing gaze, a knowing or arrogant shake of the head, etc.
2. Intellectual attack.
An intellectual attack includes various methods of information pressure, the purpose of which is to deprive a person of the possibility of consistent logical thinking. The following types of such attacks can be distinguished:
- the use of special terms that are obviously unknown or not completely understandable to the interlocutor.
- an abundant flow of speech, complex logical constructions that are made faster than the listener is able to critically rethink them.
- o presubpositions - implicit assumptions introduced into communication by linguistic means: “As you understand, I cannot do this”, “You of course know that...”. The assumption “As you understand...” is imposed on the partner as a matter of course, let alone admitting that you don’t know or don’t understand something...;
- o omissions such as “clear”, “obviously”: “Will you come with us?” - “Where should I go” - an obvious hint of coercion on the part of the inviters;
- o modal operators of obligation and possibility: “Is it worth thinking, is it necessary to survive?” - the presence of such an operator in the interrogative form turns the sentence into a negative one;
- o generalizations such as: “A man should be patient.” A high degree of generalization does not make it possible to comprehend them critically.
- An interesting, albeit more sophisticated method of intellectual attack is the creation of an “information fork”, i.e. simultaneous submission of two contradictory messages. For example, the contradiction between the content of the message and its emotional content, the contradiction between the meaning of the message and the situation: “I don’t want to distract you, but...”. It is also possible for a message to contain two contradictory meanings, but this requires special skill from the attacker.
- The method of causing infatuation with information can be illustrated by the following example: in the presence of colleagues, A begins to say something not very flattering to B about his qualifications, but then, as if having come to his senses, he stops: “Sorry, this is not in front of everyone...”.
There must have been a time in your life when you were embarrassed by a compliment. If so, you have become a victim of this type of attack. Despite the seeming absurdity of this fact, only a very small percentage of people are able to accept sincere compliments (as well as give them) without a shadow of embarrassment.
Another option for a sensory attack is a pity test. For example: “Look what you did to me…”, “What life has brought me to…”. The result of such an attack is a feeling of pity or guilt, a heaviness that appears in the heart area.
A non-verbal form of a sensual attack is the expression of one’s love with a glance, a gesture, as well as sobbing and crying addressed to the attacked person.
4. "Force" attack
A force attack is actually an attack in the generally accepted sense, the purpose of which is to intimidate a person and break his will. Such an attack can be a simple insult, a threat: “I’ll do this to you now”; with the order: “Come on, come here.”
Another form of forceful attack is to remind a person of his real or perceived debts.
Nonverbal forms of this type of attack can be aggressive clenching of fists, fiddling with a weapon, chewing while talking, etc.
An interesting option for a power attack is “holding in your field.” If at any time during the conversation you felt that you no longer wanted to communicate, and something was preventing you from stopping communication, it was “inconvenient” - you found yourself a victim of such an attack.
Of course, over time, a person who finds himself in such a situation will be able to go about his business, but he will take with him a certain feeling of guilt, which at the energetic level represents a violation of the integrity of the person’s energy field.
5. Sexual attack
Perhaps readers remember the film "Basic Instinct". The main character, played by Sharon Stone, used this technique very effectively, for example during her interrogation scene at the police station. The essence of this type of attack is to express signs of sexual sympathy to a person at a time when he is not ready for it.
In our society, where, due to tradition, taboos have not been lifted from sexuality, this type of attack may seem very effective, since only a small percentage of people do not have complexes in this area.
Sexual attacks can also include vulgar jokes or anecdotes, indecent gestures, etc.
Non-verbal forms of such attacks are erotic gestures, swaying of the hips, inviting glances, erotic playing with objects.
Any type of psychological attack can be significantly enhanced if the attacker uses not only his own energy, but also the energy of any social entity: a group of people, a company, an organization, a government body.
There are several ways to use and, accordingly, energy sources that can be used in an attack:
- status: age, position, status in some system. For example: “As your boss, I must tell you...”;
- representative, associated with reliance on concrete or abstract third parties, for example: “I am from Pyotr Petrovich”, “On behalf of the team, allow me...”, “People see what you did to me”;
- traditional: reliance on “generally accepted” norms, such as morals, traditions, generally accepted opinions. For example, compare the phrases: “Man should not strive for wealth” and “The Bible says that man should not strive for wealth”;
- ritual, based on accepted symbols of dominance, for example, the attacker takes a psychologically more advantageous position (on a hill, on the right side, from the attacked, at the table, etc.)
Thanks to the dissemination of psychological knowledge, its widespread introduction into various spheres of human activity, primarily in advertising and management, this form of psychological aggression is becoming increasingly widespread. However, this topic, as well as ways to protect against psychological attacks, will be the topic of subsequent articles in our psychological section.
Methods of psychological protection
Just as every person unconsciously knows methods of psychological attack, most people also know methods of psychological defense. Nevertheless, conscious mastery of these methods is very useful, since it allows you to expand the range of psychological attacks that can be repelled.Methods of psychological defense can be reduced to three basic techniques, which differ in the type of energy work.
1. Distancing from the aggressor.
This method is associated with the attacker withdrawing into himself, into his own affairs, and an attempt to distract himself from the frustrating situation. It is this method that the husband unconsciously uses, who, in response to his wife’s reproaches, sticks his nose into the newspaper or TV.
The distancing method is recommended as a method of energy protection by most manuals on extrasensory perception and magic. At the energy level, this looks like an attempt to surround oneself with a protective layer, a wall, an energy vortex, etc., thereby not allowing the energy of the aggressor into oneself.
The main disadvantage of the distancing method is the fact that any defense built in this way lasts only as long as the energy of the attacked is enough for it; in addition, being passive, this defense allows the aggressor to regroup forces and find a more advanced method of attack.
The myth that the aggressor’s energy will “reflect off the wall” and return to the attacker is rarely realized in reality.
2. Counterattack.
Counterattack is also a common method of psychological defense. Energetically, a counterattack is a release of a flow of energy towards the flow of energy of the attacker, as a rule, from the chakra of the same name. A counterattack usually develops into a regular scandal and butting.
For example, “butting” an intellectual type looks like this: “I believe that ...” - “You are wrong because ...” - “No, there is an error in your arguments ...”, etc.
As a result of this kind of interaction, the energy reserve of both warring parties decreases and, in the end, one of them - the one whose energy reserve is running out - breaks through. Power conflicts with some degree of probability escalate into an ordinary fight.
3. Method of psychological depreciation.
At the moment of psychological aggression, the attacker is deprived of energetic integrity, since he is forced to switch the energy reserve from other energy centers to the one from which the flow is released.
The essence of the method of psychological depreciation is to respond to the aggressor with a message at the center that is most weakened by him as a result of the attack, and thereby destroy the energetic integrity of his attack.
Signs of successful psychological depreciation are:
Interruption of the energy flow on the part of the attacker, violation of his psychological integrity, which can be expressed in a slight stupor;
Elimination of psychological discomfort in the attacked person.
Let us note that with successful psychological amortization, the attacked person should not have feelings of resentment, irritation, or a sense of resistance on the part of the attacked person.
Otherwise, this is not depreciation, but an ordinary scandal.
Like an attack, shock absorption can be enhanced by relying on various egregors.
The method of psychological depreciation was formulated in the works of followers of the school of transactional analysis, as a way out of the psychological game (E. Berne), based on answers like “Adult” - “Adult” (T. Harris). In Russian literature, the method of psychological depreciation, as a form of protection against manipur attack, was first described in the works of Litvak.
Psychological shock absorption of various types of attacks
Damping the attack of a person’s worldview component.
As a rule, people with a strong intellectual sphere have weakened emotional and sensual spheres. Therefore, a response based on the use of these spheres results in the destruction of the attack.
There are also some special techniques to absorb this type of attack. One such technique is “mediation”. The “mediation” technique consists in separating a person and his concept, i.e. at the energetic level - to separate the thought form from the energy center that feeds it.
For example:
Attack: "Man is a social being!"
Cushioning: "So, you adhere to the concept that man is a social being."
At first glance, the two phrases differ little from each other in meaning, but the first of them is a rigid formulation that claims to be true and encourages you to a certain form of behavior, and the other is just an abstract concept that a certain person adheres to.
Mediation can be carried out several times in a row, with each subsequent one significantly weakening the significance of what was said.
For example: “Man is a social being” - “There are a certain number of people who adhere to this concept, and, as far as I see, you are one of them” (3 mediations).
Mediation can be strengthened by interrogative formulation: “How long have you been following this concept?” This method causes the attacking energies to be forced back to answer the reflexive question.
With the help of mediation, you can absorb other types of attacks, for example, an attack of the sensory sphere.
“You feel resentment towards me (love, hatred)” - such a formulation separates a person and the thought form of his feeling. An option with two mediations is possible.
"It seems to me that you have feelings for me."
Absorption of intellectual attack
The most likely thing with this type of attack is a weakening of the sensory-emotional sphere. This is why lecturers go wild when they see students chirping happily or hugging in the back desks.
Using this feature, it is easy to interrupt the flow of speech that is boring you, focusing on something that gives you pleasure. This could be sipping coffee, savoring a cigarette, etc. An excellent means of absorbing such attacks are flat jokes, especially vulgar ones, and other ways of fooling around.
It is also possible to absorb such attacks with the help of intellectual specification, for example: “What exactly did you mean when you said “transpersonal”?” The last technique can be especially effective in repelling an attack associated with a generalization: “All men are bastards” - “Who exactly do you mean?”
Cushioning of power attacks
At the moment of a forceful attack, the attacker’s intellectual and sensory sphere weakens. The well-known method of depreciation proposed by the Rostov psychotherapist Litvak is based on the emotional depreciation of power attacks. The principle of this method is illustrated by the following example.
“You’re a goat” - “Yes, I’m a goat (with a joyful smile and a sincerely good attitude towards the aggressor).”
Such behavior usually shocks the attacker and deprives him of the opportunity to develop an attack. However, during the practical development of this most effective technique, two misunderstandings usually arise that negate the depreciation effect.
Firstly, with your answer you do not admit yourself to be guilty, but express your joyful attitude towards life and all its manifestations. Secondly, the answer must be sincerely cordial. Having uttered the desired phrase, clenched your teeth and with difficulty extinguishing your hatred for the person who attacked you, you will not achieve a positive effect.
If you are an inhumane person and want to finally finish off the aggressor, you can say: “Yes, I’m a goat, but besides that, I’m a scoundrel, a scoundrel, a bastard, etc., and I can prove it..., I’m glad that you paid attention to this...” and so on, without forgetting (!) about a sincerely good attitude towards the interlocutor.
Intelligent depreciation is built approximately as follows:
You're a goat.
Please explain why.
Options: “How did you know?”, “What exactly in my behavior makes you think so?”
Note that in these examples it is easy to see another important feature of successful depreciation - if a person really has specific complaints against you, then you give him the opportunity to express them (and for yourself to listen).
"Sexy" shock absorption of a power attack
Of course, such depreciation is primarily aimed at preventing attacks from a member of the opposite sex, for example:
You're a goat.
You are so erotically angry.
However, more complex options are also possible. One of them is the “Rzhevsky method,” which consists of “weaving” elements of vulgarity into a conversation, just enough to keep the interlocutor in a slightly embarrassed state:
What languages do you speak?
Russian, Ukrainian and French.
An important element in absorbing force attacks is the ability to stop an action of your interlocutor that you do not like. A reliable method for achieving this result is the following: in a humorous or other acceptable form, “command” the person to do this action. Even if he doesn't stop, his ardor will noticeably fade. For example: “I’m going to make some comments to you...” - “Say it” (in a cheerful voice, filled with readiness and a joyful smile).
Nonverbal attacks and nonverbal depreciation
As has been repeatedly noted, the most important element of shock absorption is not words, but the accompanying energy message that destroys the attacker’s energy circuit. It follows from this that with a sufficiently developed ability to remove energy, depreciation can be carried out without words at all, through the non-verbal component or directly at the energy level.
Nonverbal cushioning can be used to cushion verbal attacks, but in addition it is absolutely indispensable when repelling attacks carried out at the nonverbal level. In addition to those already described, we list some common types of nonverbal attacks:
1. A “friendly” but painful pat on the shoulder.
2. Adjusting the collar and other parts of clothing, “removing” dust particles.
3. Active gestures in your field at the level of one of the energy centers.
4. Comic boxing.
5. The constant desire of the conversation partner to get closer, to enter your intimate zone deeper than you allow.
Please note that non-verbal attacks can be divided into two categories: attacks associated with penetration into the interlocutor’s field, and without it. Since the first type is more dangerous, let us first focus on their depreciation.
The general principle of depreciation of non-verbal aggression is similar to what we have already discussed: depreciation of non-verbal aggression is carried out through a reciprocal gesture at the level of the aggressor’s energy center, weakened by the attack. For example, in response to a friendly pat on the shoulder, you can begin to hug your interlocutor, thus shackling his hands; a person adjusting his collar can begin to “correct” a button at the level of his stomach in response. If a person tries to pat you on the head, sit down casually (for example, to tie a shoelace), and if he misses, he will experience significant discomfort.
In order for shock absorption to be more effective, it is necessary that the depth of penetration of your gestures into the attacker’s field corresponds to the depth of penetration of his gestures into your field. It is also important that the beginning of your cushioning gesture be as close as possible to the beginning of the attacking gesture. Of course, your gestures must comply with the norms accepted in the corresponding subculture.
Actions should be as unexpected as possible for the attacker, and if possible even diametrically contradict his expectations. For example, if a partner is trying to enter your field, do not run away, but start moving towards him. A “ragged rhythm” or a sharp transition helps to unbalance the attacker: for example, if you find yourself in a “field holding” situation, begin to slowly approach the person holding you, if possible entering his intimate zone, and then, turning sharply, unexpectedly leave his field.
Powerful elements of nonverbal shock absorption are the gaze and smile. Views are modulated by energy saturation and differ in direction. The ability to remove energy through the eyes indicates a fairly high level of human development. As for a smile, it has never hurt anyone.
To conclude our discussion of depreciation techniques, let us note one more point. Successfully carried out depreciation does not yet provide you with complete psychological safety during the entire communication process. Having come to his senses, the aggressor can try his hand again, perhaps in a more sophisticated way. You should be prepared for this and for new depreciation. Gradually, you will begin to notice that such a state of internal readiness in itself stops attempts to attack, and vice versa, its loss, the desire to hide, uncertainty, and resentment attract them.
Ethical Considerations of Depreciation
The reader may be interested in the question of how ethical is the use of psychological shock absorption methods? Indeed, most of the depreciation methods are beyond the bounds of etiquette. However, any psychological attack also lies outside the bounds of etiquette! Moreover, classical etiquette is precisely a system of norms designed to protect people from the possibility of psychological attacks from each other. However, in modern society there are practically no subcultures left whose norms correspond to classical etiquette.Therefore, the use of depreciation is the only way to maintain integrity in such subcultures. If the norms of communication leave a loophole for attack, then they leave it for cushioning.
Examples of successful depreciation
1. Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2. And in the morning he came to the temple again, and all the people came to Him. He sat down and taught them.
3. Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman taken in adultery, and, placing her in the midst,
4. They said to Him: Teacher! this woman was taken in adultery;
5. And Moses commanded us in the law to stone such people: What do you say?
6. They said this, tempting Him, in order to find something to accuse Him. But Jesus, bending low, wrote with his finger on the ground, not paying attention to them.
7. When they continued to ask Him, He bowed down and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”
8. And again, bending low, he wrote on the ground.
9. Having heard this and being convicted by their conscience, they began to leave one by one, starting from the oldest to the last; and only Jesus remained and the woman standing in the middle. (John 8:1-9)
Khoja came to the bathhouse. The bath attendant, knowing that Khoja was a poor man, gave him a holey basin and a torn towel. Khoja did not say anything to this, but after washing himself, he gave the bathhouse attendant twice as much money as he was supposed to.
When Khoja came to the same bathhouse a week later, the bath attendant, remembering Khoja’s generosity, served him well. When leaving, Hoxha paid half as much as usual.
Why are you paying so little? - the bathhouse attendant was surprised.
And I’m not paying for today, but for last time.
When will you pay for today?
But I paid for today last time. - Khoja answered.
(The Adventures of Khoja Nasreddin)
Are you loyal to your country?
I am glad to die for the Motherland together with Your Excellency.
(I am like the good soldier Schweik)
Examples of successful shock-absorbing behavior strategies
Exit from role dependence (Scheherazade amortization)
Let us recall an example this time from the tales of 1001 nights (by the way, it is believed that these tales were written by Sufis and contain a lot of esoteric wisdom). King Shahriyar, having convicted his wife of treason, was offended by all the women and began to take a new wife every evening, executing her in the morning after the first and last wedding night. The reader will remember that the only woman to survive was Scheherazade.
Scheherazade survived because she changed the rules of the game. Instead of the usual sex that King Shahriyar asked for and which he received from his other temporary wives, she also allowed herself to tell stories. Thus, Scheherazade's depreciation is a Third-Eye amortization based on changing the rules of the game.
It should be remembered that if you play by the rules imposed on you by your opponent, you will never be able to win, since the enemy created these rules for himself.
Thus, the essence of this depreciation is to give yourself the right to set the rules by which you are going to live and play, and therefore, the elimination of the corresponding insertion on ajna (taking away this right).
American psychologists have developed a model of assertive (self-affirming) behavior. From a psychological point of view, assertive behavior is the behavior of a holistic person. Below are the so-called assertive rights, i.e. rights that every person unconditionally has.
10 Basic Assertive Rights
I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and be responsible for their consequences.Manipulative superstition: I should not judge myself and my behavior unceremoniously and independently of others. In reality, I should always have my personality assessed and discussed by a wiser person of authority rather than myself.
I have the right not to apologize or explain my behavior.
Manipulative superstition: I am responsible for my behavior to other people, it is advisable that I give them an account and explain everything that I do, and apologize to them for my actions.
I have the right to consider for myself whether I am at all, or to some extent, responsible for solving other people's problems.
Manipulative superstition: I have more obligations to certain institutions and people than to myself. It is advisable to sacrifice my own dignity and adapt.
I have the right to change my mind.
Manipulating superstition: If I have already expressed some point of view, I should never change it. I would have to apologize or admit that I was wrong. This would mean that I am not competent and unable to decide.
I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for mistakes.
Manipulative superstition: I am not supposed to make mistakes, and if I make any mistake, I should feel guilty. It is desirable that I and my decisions be controlled.
I have the right to say: “I don’t know.”
Manipulative superstition: I wish I could answer every question.
I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others and their good attitude towards me.
Manipulative superstition: It is desirable for people to treat me well, to love me, I need them.
I have the right to make illogical decisions.
Manipulative superstition: It is desirable that I observe logic, reason, rationality and validity in everything I do. What is logical is reasonable.
I have the right to say: “I don’t understand you.”
Manipulative superstition: I must be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others, I must “read their minds.” If I don’t do this, I am a ruthless ignorant and no one will love me!
I have the right to say: “I don’t care.”
Manipulative superstition: I must try to be attentive and emotional to everything that happens in the world. I probably won't succeed, but I have to try my best to achieve it. Otherwise, I'm callous, indifferent
