Hello, dear readers of the blog site. Children show their negativism towards toys and parents.

Teenagers are often aggressive and violate the norms and rules of behavior in society. And adults take it out on their family members at work.

Is destructive a character, or a common reaction to external stimuli? What is the reason for this behavior, and what to do about it?

Destructive behavior is...

Destructive behavior is physical actions or words aimed at destroying something: relationships, objects, health, mood, peace, tranquility.

A person invades someone else's life and ruins his own. Maybe laws.

Expressed as:

stubbornness;
aggression;
coarseness;
fear;
intolerance;
pugnacity;
hatred;
panic.

Unconscious goals can be bullying, torture, or even killing living beings: both animals and people. Also a violation of social peace - coups in the state and acts of terrorism, harm to nature or property.

Types destructive behavior:

There is a difference in destructive behavior depending on gender.

Men are prone to extreme sports and entertainment, and performing dangerous work. Women choose a passive form of self-destruction - they exhaust themselves with routine obligations.

History of the study of destructiveness

In theory Z. Freud About the forces that drive each personality, the death instinct occupies a significant place.

It means that a person strives for a primary inanimate state through destructive behavior.

K. Lorenz, like Freud, believes that aggression is inherent in. She adapts to different conditions. As well as survival among other individuals, taking their position in the social hierarchy.

A.Bass gives the definition:

“Aggression is a reaction that brings pain to the organism at which it is specifically directed.”

This is one type of behavior to achieve a goal. Often the point of aggression is to force another person to do something - a type of manipulation.

F.Allan believes that this is simply a way to gather one’s strength in order to withstand external factors. L. Bender says that people use destructiveness to get closer or further away from a person or situation.

Other points of view for destructive behavior:

reaction to mental or physical discomfort;
drive and passion, which brings pleasure, despite all the negativity;
– if it is impossible to satisfy your needs or solve a problem.

Destructiveness in childhood

Psychologist Alfred Adler was the first to study destructive behavior in children and classified possible motives.

Power struggle

Every child strives to show his strength and try to pull the veil of power over himself.

Some do it passively, and after mom’s words: “Do your homework” or “Wash the dishes,” they simply do not follow these instructions. Others immediately aggressively show their position: “I don’t want, I won’t.”

In such a situation, parents should explain what the consequences of non-compliance and disobedience will be. Let the son or daughter decide for themselves what to do for their own actions.

To attract attention

If a child constantly pulls at his parents at home, on the street, and in the store, and also annoys teachers by frequently leaving the classroom during class or talking loudly, then these are all ways to attract attention. It's obvious that he's missing.

Parents should devote more time to their children. Not only when you need to criticize them, but also in a positive way. And if the child whines: “Pay attention! Play now!”, then you should say: “Okay, in 10-15 minutes, when I’m free.”, and not run away immediately, so that this does not become a mechanism for manipulation.

Revenge

If the kids don't like it, how they are treated, they will take revenge in a variety of ways: by name-calling, deception, theft, painting the walls or mom’s favorite book, they may even hit.

In such situations, it is better to consult a psychotherapist. Most likely, the parents cannot establish a trusting relationship, and they themselves show initial anger. Therefore, we need a specialist and an outside perspective.

Demonstration of insolvency

The child does not believe in the success of completing tasks and instructions. Therefore, he skips school and tutors, does not want to go to the blackboard and starts a scandal on this basis, lies.

Most likely the reason in constant criticism and an authoritarian method of education that needs to be changed immediately. Such children need to be supported in all their endeavors, praised and given attention when spending time together.

Destructive teenager

More often in adolescence susceptible to destructive behavior, who:

increased anxiety;
fixation on negative aspects;
depressive disorder;
increased feeling of guilt for the problems of loved ones;
somatic or mental illness.

Possible reasons:

In such situations, it is worthwhile to instill in children a positive outlook on the world and involve them in useful activities.

Parents must also establish trusting contact so that maturing individuals can trust them, ask for help and know that they will be heard.

Signs of a destructive person (destructor)

A person's destructive nature may not be corrected in childhood or adolescence, so he will carry it throughout his life. How do you know if this type of person is in front of you?

Hidden and obvious threats

It is important for destructive individuals to know that they are better than others, and the whole world owes them. To maintain this role and pride, he does not allow others to express their opinions. It also suppresses any disobedience and criticism. The interlocutor may hear a commanding tone or a threat.

Triangulation

A person involves third-party people in a dispute, whose opinions supposedly coincide with his, and not his opponent’s. He makes references to the fact that his colleagues, friends, scientists are also on his side. Thus, it puts pressure on the victim to break and accept the interlocutor’s position.

Bounds checking

Such people like to check where other people's boundaries are. And every time they try to break them, while they remain unpunished. Therefore, if the victim returned to the offender, then this gives the latter a reason to further exhaust her with his exploration of the framework.

Cruel sarcasm

Humiliation of others - with a destructive character. This helps a lot, because you can turn everything into an innocent joke in time. And if a person is offended, then it is his “problem” that he is so sensitive.

Gaslighting

If you hear, in response to your remark about the behavior of the character being discussed, the phrase: “That didn’t happen!”, “?!”, “It seemed to you,” then know that this is manipulation. The interlocutor is trying to destroy confidence in reality and shake the conviction that he is right.

Projection

Since a person cannot admit to himself that he has shortcomings, he projects this onto others. He can say that it wouldn’t hurt someone to go to the gym if he himself is not happy with his figure. Thus, it evokes the feeling of shame that should be inherent in it.

Good luck to you! See you soon on the pages of the blog site

What is destructive behavior?

There are several scientific definitions of this concept. Psychologists and sociologists give their definitions using terms familiar to them. However, there is one definition that any person will understand: destructive behavior - destructive behavior. How does it manifest itself? What is the person trying to destroy?

The main manifestations of destructiveness

Scientists have conducted a lot of research on this problem; they have studied patterns of behavior that can be classified as destructive quite well. A person whose behavior is considered destructive has the following characteristics:

aggression and cruelty towards others;
hostility in communication;
tendency to destroy material objects and things;
the desire to upset the established way of life of people close to him;
inability to experience emotions and feelings (may be permanent, or may only appear from time to time);
a threat to the lives of both others and your own.

We see that a person who is destructive by nature can cause harm not only to things or objects, but also to society, and even to himself. It turns out that there are several types or forms of destructive behavior? Yes this is true.

Forms

To begin with, it should be noted that there is a distinction between constructive and destructive behavior. The first is creative and is absolutely normal for any healthy person. The second often turns out to be a symptom of some mental disorder.

In psychology, destructive human behavior varies in direction and nature of manifestation. So, we have already talked about the first classification: a person can address his destructive energy to any object of external reality or to himself. It is interesting that manifestations of destructiveness are not always negative: it can be part or the beginning of creation. For example, you can demolish a dilapidated house to build a new one in its place, or cut your long hair to create a beautiful hairstyle.

Another classification of destructive behavior is based on the nature of the manifestation of destructiveness. There are two main forms:

Delinquent- it includes actions that are contrary to legal norms, for example, violations of discipline, illegal violations.
Deviant- this is behavior that contradicts moral standards, for example, drug addiction and alcoholism, attempts to commit suicide.

Causes of destructive behavior

In psychology, destructive behavior is often called deviant. However, no deviation occurs without a reason. What is the basis on which the first signs of destructive behavior develop?

It is believed that the reason may lie in bad heredity. In people whose actions are antisocial, one of the parents often showed signs of destructiveness. However, the question of the relationship between heredity and environment remains open here. In families whose members exhibit destructive forms of behavior, upbringing is often appropriate. In addition, the child is forced to constantly observe the antisocial behavior of his parents, which cannot but leave its mark on his psyche.

Thus, the destructive behavior of children is determined by the influence of the family. In the future, destructiveness becomes the constant companion of such a person. In any situation, he will behave antisocially, causing harm to himself and others. However, signs of destructiveness can also appear in an adult who is mentally healthy. Why is this happening?

Some more reasons for destructiveness

Other reasons for destructive behavior include:

mental disorders - in this case, destructiveness may be one of the symptoms;
severe somatic illness - a person may realize that he has nothing to lose and begin to behave destructively;
failures in personal affairs - a person feels humiliated, trampled and loses hope of improving the situation;
addiction to alcohol or drugs - sometimes this is not a manifestation of destructiveness, but its cause: a person behaves antisocially only when intoxicated.

Prevention of destructive behavior

What can be done to prevent destructive behavior? Who does this and what methods are used? The main burden falls on schools and other educational institutions. The fact is that it is precisely in them that there is an opportunity to influence children en masse. For this purpose, special educational activities are carried out aimed at preventing social destructive behavior.

But a lot can be done with the help of the child’s family members. If parents and other relatives encourage only socially approved actions and give each other love and warmth, the likelihood of behavioral disorders in their children will be very low.

What has been done in the USA to prevent destructiveness

An interesting study on the problem of disruptive behavior was conducted in New York State. Typically, American teenagers who have committed illegal acts are placed in specialized correctional institutions. In addition to classes with psychologists, juvenile delinquents there undergo daily occupational therapy sessions.

But such correctional institutions contain only teenagers who have already shown signs of destructiveness. But what happens if you place them in a healthier social environment?

Instead of correctional institutions, some teenagers went to the homes of foster parents. Adult couples were instructed in methods of preventing destructiveness and had appropriate practical skills. The results of the study were impressive: pupils of such foster families were much less likely to display destructive forms of behavior in their adult lives.

What conclusion can be drawn from all this? Even if a child or teenager has already shown the first signs of destructive behavior, he should not be considered lost to society. With appropriate psychological correction methods, it can still be corrected.

What does the concept of destructive include? Let's figure it out.

To learn more about the concept, let's look at its history. Where did the term in question come from, which is often used in philosophy, psychology, sociology, religious studies, journalism and criminology.

Numerous dictionaries suggest that this word is defined in the following aspect:

Destructive.
Violating the structure of something.
Ruinous, devastating.

History of the term destructive

The term definitely comes from the Latin word destructivus - destructive and from the verb destruere - to break, destroy. The prefix de is added, meaning separation, elimination, lack of completion of an action, etc., with the root struere, meaning to put, impose, spread, extend. So, thanks to the formation of the word with the help of a prefix, it received a different meaning.

First of all, the word destructive appeared in French, then it passed into English and spread further.

Use in psychology

Most often, the term is used in psychology, defining a person, his behavior and intersocial connections. The concept of a destructive person was first discussed by such measures of psychoanalysis as S. Freud, Spielrein, E. Fromm.

Freud interpreted destruction as aggression, destruction, murder, destruction, death, and spoke of the instinct of destructiveness as one of the opposites of constructive. He equated this instinct with the instinct of death, saying that it is possible in every living creature, trying to lead it to decay, turning living things into inanimate matter. There is also destructiveness directed outward, the desire to destroy while preserving one’s own life.

Fromm attached great importance to the concept of destructiveness and studied it in particular detail. He came to the conclusion that the most malignant form of destruction is decay syndrome.

Destructiveness as one of the human qualities

Many people talk about destructiveness as one of the qualities of a person’s personality. What will a destructive person be like? How negative is its impact? Modern psychologists come to the conclusion that the basis of this quality is the inability of the individual to create a certain base, which will be the basis for further effective development. It can be directed, as mentioned above, inward and outward.

Most negative personality traits, such as envy, greed, cunning, cynicism, classified as destructive. It is they who, one way or another, lead over time to the destruction of personality. Such a person is characterized by a certain lifestyle. He strives to get everything instantly. That is, only the result is of primary importance. Because of this, efficiency is close to zero.

A destructive person knows that he is acting to his own detriment; he is far from stupid. But at the same time he makes no effort to change the situation. Rather, he even gets satisfaction from his destructiveness.

A constructive person, on the contrary, advocates development and gradual improvement.

Concept of destructive conflict

Usually underneath is understood to be a collision, where there is a problem in achieving the goal of each of the parties to the conflict, in addition to infringing on the interests of the other. That is, it means that the goal of the two subjects is the same, this prevents both parties from fully achieving it.

As a result, the consequences of such conflict are unfavorable. More precisely, after the struggle between the parties has been resolved, the negative outcome is significantly higher than the positive outcome.

Such interaction refers to the contact of people in which one or each is negatively influenced by the other or others. An example would be manipulative communication, silence, where the goal is hiding information, or, conversely, distortion of information, due to which the interlocutor may be harmed.

The interaction of persons occurs through the negative traits of one or each of them. Such traits can be manifested either intentionally or unconsciously. Aggression coming from the interlocutor can be:

unmotivated;
motivated.

That is, arise as a result of nervous tension or from the desire to cause harm - moral or physical. This process can occur unnoticed by one or each of the interlocutors, constantly progressing.

Destructiveness as a negative phenomenon

Undoubtedly, destructiveness cannot have a positive effect on the one to whom it is directed. In any case, the results and goals set will be distorted and will not have a positive result. Get rid of destructiveness or a destructive person is very difficult. It's like alcoholic drinks. A person knows that he will feel bad in the morning, but does not give up alcohol, since this requires willpower and not striving for instant results.

What does destructive mean? - definitely destructive.

The destructive (destructive) principle is an integral property of human nature, however, self-control, awareness, as well as public censure protect us from its extreme manifestations: murder, violence, suicide. In general, the phenomenon of destructiveness has been little studied by psychology and psychiatry, although this term has taken root in philosophy quite a long time ago.

I was able to explain for the first time what destructiveness is and what are the reasons for its existence by proposing the theory of the desire for death. From the point of view of this theory, destructive behavior is behavior that is different from normal; it is aimed at self-destruction and, as a result, entails a deterioration in the individual’s quality of life.

Basic theories explaining the phenomenon

Destructive behavior is characterized by the presence of deviations, or deviations, which are divided according to the following criteria: the norm violated, the goals and motivation for committing the act, the result obtained. From Freud's point of view, the most important criterion of destructiveness is a result that can lead to the release of internal tension through a process that does not imply destruction.

A well-known specialist in the field of psychology says that destructive activity, depending on the state of the psyche, can be directed inward or outward:

External forms of manifestation of destructiveness are considered to be the mental or physical destruction of a person, violation of social rules or foundations (extremism, terrorism), deliberate destruction of nature, destruction of global monuments, art and literature.
Internal forms of destructiveness are suicidal tendencies, addictions, non-chemical addictions of a pathological nature.

He also studied the phenomenon of destructiveness; he believed that a destructive person is, first of all, an aggressive person. Aggression can be benign, that is, serving as a natural tool of life, or malignant, non-adaptive, causing social and biological harm.

In his theory, the meaning of the word “destructive” is close to “non-constructive”; it characterizes individuals who do not have the potential for self-realization. Fromm says that a destructive person runs away from freedom, trying to overcome his own inferiority with the help of destructive principles, exposing more talented people to physical or moral influences.

In the psychology of destructive behavior, a special place is occupied by the concept developed by N. Farberow. He says that a destructive personality is incapable of critically assessing the consequences of his actions and perceives reality distortedly and often hostilely.

Such a person’s self-esteem is often greatly inflated, which is why the level of self-worth interferes with the ability to properly build communications with people. Farberow was able to substantiate not only the destructive craving of some individuals for the abuse of various psychotropic substances, but also developed an entire system of suicide prevention, which is still successfully used in the United States.

Forms of manifestation of the phenomenon and methods of behavior correction

From a psychological point of view, destruction can manifest itself in many forms, so let's look at the main, most common ones.

Destructive relationships can arise between close people connected by common interests, hobbies or aspirations. This type of interaction often exists in creative unions between creator and muse or in married couples. Psychologists say that if relationships are not built correctly, the destructive influence will have a detrimental effect, first of all, on the personality of a mentally healthy person.

Destructive thinking is another variant of deviation, when a person is constantly accompanied by a deep and overwhelming feeling of resentment towards the whole world. Unfortunately, destructive thoughts come to each of us at least once a day, but approximately 40% of all inhabitants of the planet consistently think in a negative way.

To tune in to the positive, try to evaluate every thought: for positive ones, buy yourself something tasty, and for negative ones, go for a good evening run. Scientists have found that physical activity stimulates the production of joy hormones, and this is a direct path to a good mood and getting rid of destructive aspirations.

Destructive feelings are another problem of modern society, the so-called phenomenon of general anxiety and dissatisfaction. Basically, they are the result of incorrect internal attitudes, the habit of dividing everything into black and white, bias, and belief in a negative outcome.

Destructive emotions are a consequence of destructive feelings that control a person. To change the psychological and emotional background, corrective work with a specialist is necessary, as well as special breathing training aimed at getting rid of feelings of internal tension and discomfort.

A destructive character manifests itself as a tendency to gloominess, unsociability, fatalism, closedness, some fear of contact with others or awkwardness in communication. Psychologists have developed special techniques to overcome these traits and form a correct outlook on life. One of the methods was proposed by a group of American psychologists; it consists of several modules:

An in-depth analysis of the client’s destructive character traits, identifying among them those that he would like to get rid of.
Work on realizing the need for change, getting rid of destructiveness. The truth of the patient’s desire to become different is checked, and a portrait of the desired character traits is drawn up.
Group classes to consolidate the necessary qualities.

Destructive communication and destructive criticism are the most common causes of quarrels and open confrontation between people. History knows many examples when a simple conversation ended in war. The art of communicating correctly and productively can be mastered by, for example, self-education or enrolling in special courses. Books that contain a lot of practical advice on developing communication skills will be an undoubted help. Author: Natalya Ivanova

Two dozen not-so-clean techniques with which inadequate people manipulate people.

GaslightingGaslighting is a manipulative technique that is most easily illustrated by the following typical phrases: “It didn’t happen like that,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it is aimed at distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints about abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath uses

uses these tactics against you, you automatically take his side to resolve the resulting cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely excluded, and the last is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.

Projection

One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person chronically doesn't want to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

While we all engage in projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse.

Instead of admitting their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, narcissists and sociopaths choose to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that they could use some self-care, they choose to instill shame in their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the same bitter shame that he feels towards himself.

For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him appear dependent; a bad employee may call a boss ineffective to avoid having a truthful conversation about his own performance.

Narcissistic sadists love to play "blame shifting" The goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result is that you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?

Solution? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person, and don't take on their toxic projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in self-reflection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.

Hell of a pointless conversation

If you are hoping for thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain clog.

Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and frustrate you, lead away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for the fact that you are a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.

All it takes is ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist and you’ll already be wondering how you got into this in the first place. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, which leads to what is called narcissistic injury.

Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue.

They love drama and live for it. Trying to come up with an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing more wood on the fire.

Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not you, but their abusive behavior. Stop communication as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant. Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them I'm not used to thinking at all.

Instead of taking the time to understand different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it’s even easier to put some kind of label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements. On a larger scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to cry out that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.

These everyday microaggressions are typical in destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your oversensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always unhappy with everything” or “Nothing suits you at all,” instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen. Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes - but it's just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.

Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, after all, this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw out unfounded generalizations, there is not the entire wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.

Deliberate distortion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity

In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justifiable emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists make up stories, paraphrasing what you say to make your position seem absurd or unacceptable.

Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and with us, then, you are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries. This common distraction is a cognitive bias called “mind reading.” They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they present you as bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of thinking they are inadequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.

The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn’t do or say. As long as a destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a feeling of shame for daring to contradict him about something.

Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have no desire to help you become a better person - they just love to find fault, put you down, and make you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to sophistry called "game changing" to ensure that that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with you as to why you are not yet a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent”. The rules of the game will be constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; The only goal of this game is to make you seek the narcissist's attention and approval.

By constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive feeling of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one mistake you made and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. This forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to live up to, and as a result, you bend over backwards to satisfy his every demand - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you poorly.

Don’t be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck up some insignificant episode again and again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm that you are right or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not at all driven by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

Changing the subject to avoid responsibility

I call this maneuver “What-am-I syndrome?”. This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to shift attention to something completely different. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they steer the conversation in the direction they want. Are you complaining that he doesn't spend time with the kids? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows no time or thematic framework and often begins with the words: “And when did you...”

At the public level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed if one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, issues need to be specific to be addressed and addressed properly—that doesn't mean the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that for every topic there's its time and its context.

Do not be distructed; if someone tries to change concepts, use the “sticky record” method, as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts without going off topic. Turn the arrows back, say: “That’s not what I’m talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find someone to talk to who is not stuck at the mental development level of a three-year-old toddler.

Hidden and obvious threats

Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal self-esteem is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.

Instead of dealing with differences maturely and seeking compromise, they trying to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach people to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum; their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do that.”

If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express a different opinion, you hear a commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never agree to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you are not joking: If possible, document them and report them to the appropriate authorities.

Insults

Narcissists proactively make mountains out of molehills whenever they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their minds, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts narcissistic injury on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults are a simple and quick way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your mental abilities, appearance or behavior, simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and ideas. A valid point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has nothing meaningful to say back. Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you yourself, trying in every possible way to undermine your authority and cast doubt on your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and clearly state that you do not intend to tolerate this. Don't take it personally: understand that they only use insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.

"Training"

Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they casually make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, ruin your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov’s dogs, are essentially “trained,” making you afraid to do everything that once made your life rich.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to yourself and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.

In addition, narcissists are by nature pathologically jealous and cannot stand the thought of anything that could even slightly protect you from their influence. To them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally barren existence. After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is non-destructive, then what will stop you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway towards your dreams.

Slander and Harassment

When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you out to be destructive. Slander and gossip are a pre-emptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name, so that you have no support left in case you decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to “expose” you; such “exposure” is just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip turns two or even entire groups of people against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about him while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the kind of actions that you accuse them of most feared. In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately offend you, so that they can then use your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.

The best way to counteract slander is Always keep yourself in control and stick to the facts. This is especially true for high-conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you so that they can then use your reactions against you. If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; It is advisable to find a lawyer who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for itself when the narcissist's mask begins to slip.

Love bombing and devaluation

Destructive people lead you through an idealization phase until you take the bait and begin a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they are accepted devalue you by expressing contempt for everything that attracted them to you in the first place. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombing method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sweetness he exhibits in his relationship with you.

As personal development coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counter love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to: do not rush. Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.

Preventive defense

When someone strongly emphasizes that he/she is a “nice guy” or a “nice girl”, they immediately begin to tell you that you should “trust him/her”, or out of the blue assures you of their honesty - be careful.

Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first establishing a solid foundation for that trust. They can skillfully “disguise” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of abuse reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.

Truly good people rarely need to constantly boast about their positive qualities - they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street that requires reciprocity rather than constant indoctrination.

To combat preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you is who he says he is.

Triangulation

Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of bringing an outsider into a communication dynamic is called “triangulation.”

A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and invalidating the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unstable.

Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends and even family members in order to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to prove their point of view. This maneuver is intended divert your attention from psychological abuse

and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you begin to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I’m still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back. To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. In fact, the narcissist rules all roles.

Answer him with your own “triangulation” - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

Lure and pretend to be innocent Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty.

Having “lured” you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t mean to” upset your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malevolence.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques include provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a certain phrase seems to you "not like that", and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it - perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.

Boundary testing and vacuum cleaner tactics

Narcissists, sociopaths and other destructive personalities constantly testing your boundaries, to understand which of them can be violated. The more violations they can commit with impunity, the further they will go.

This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.

Rapists often resort to "vacuum cleaner tactics" as if "sucking" their victim back with sweet promises, fake repentance and empty words about how they will change, only to subject them to further abuse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist the abuse, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist tries to start from scratch, strengthen the borders even more, and do not retreat from them.

Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and compassion. They only react to consequences.

Aggressive injections disguised as jokes

Covert narcissists love to say mean things to you. They pass them off as “just jokes,” as if reserving the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.

The manipulator is betrayed by a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right? Not this way. This is the way inspire you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed hypersensitivity. In such cases it is important Stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you bring these hidden insults to the manipulator's attention, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if this does not help, stop communicating with him.

Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Belittling and humiliating others is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in his arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks at each other can be fun when it is mutual, but the narcissist resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if this offends you, then you are “overly sensitive.”

It doesn’t matter that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it’s the victim who is “oversensitive.” When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged on your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand. This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you are doing it yourself.

When faced with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state this clearly and clearly. You don't deserve to be treated like a child, much less you don't have to be silent for the sake of someone's delusions of grandeur.

Shaming

"Aren `t you ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from completely normal people, in the mouth of a narcissist and a psychopath, shaming is an effective method of combating any views and actions that threaten their undivided power.

It is also used to destroy and negate the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and strangle all pride at the root.

Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or violence you have suffered, causing you further psychological trauma. Did you experience violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will make you feel like you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to offend you than to pick at old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound rather than heal it. If you suspect you are dealing with a destructive person, try hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him.

Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that could later be used against you.

Control Most Importantly: Destructive People Seek to Control You in any available way.

They isolate you, manage your finances and social circles, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.

The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and recognize that you are a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against and at least try to regain control over your own life and stay away from destructive people.

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